My crash came right before Christmas this last year. Well, really the bottom of the crash. To me the word crash seems like a short event, one where you can pin point the time. But really, for me, the depression crash was a much longer time frame. It had been coming for a number of months. I can't say exactly when it started, but there are moments that I can see that certainly were part of it. Last April I was in Italy when the Icelandic volcano went and my return home was delayed by 6 days. While, for the most part I enjoyed those extra days, my axiety level was through the roof. It was one big long panic attack. Over the summer I kept myself extremely busy, hiking, camping etc... While I did this under the guise of fun, underneath it all I knew something wasn't right but I didn't want to admit to it. In the fall I hurt my foot and couldn't hike anymore, and things were getting worse by the day. In November I took a week off work to try and regain some semblance of balance. This worked for about 3 days and then it was like nothing had changed.
In the middle December I hit the wall. I knew I couldn't live like that anymore. I was barely functioning, and that might be generous. My job was suffering, all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone or do anything. More than once previously I have contemplated suicide and I knew that if I didn't get some help I was going to end up there again. I was so scared when I was thinking about before, and that was one motivation to seek help this time. I wasn't really sure how often you can get to that ledge before you decide that turning around just isn't worth it.
I went to see my psychologist and she suggested anti-depressants. That was not unexpected, and yet it was one of the hardest things to hear. It meant that I would finally have to really 'fess up to depression. Somehow the next day I managed to phone my doctor and make an appointment, 8 days later. Those 8 days were brutal. I was existing and that's about all. Things got worse daily and I wasn't sure I was going to make it. I anxious, agitated, sad, down etc... and no longer able to hide it. The decision to take medication was so difficult for me. It was made more difficult by the fact that the depression was impairing my ability to see life clearly, to see solutions, to put any kind of rational thinking to what was going on.
And I knew, not only was I going to have to take them, I was going to have to tell my family about it. As it turned out I ended up also have to tell more than my family as my doctor also put me off on medical leave for 3.5 weeks.
In hindsight, starting on the medication and taking some time to be away from it all were the best things I could have done and completely the right decision. In the moment though I couldn't see any of that. I can also see now that this wasn't the first time I have crashed. It was the first time however that I was willing to do something about it, admit to it and try to find a way through it.
You made the right decision to step up for yourself and seek the help you need. There is nothing more important than your own mental and physical health; and obviously these have been neglected for quite some time. You were wise to recognize where you were; and you were brave to reach out. Professional help will take you in the right direction and, without a doubt, your family and friends will support you along the way.
ReplyDeleteNow you are on the road to self-healing. It certainly won’t be an easy road but it is your road. Where it will take you: who knows? Perhaps along the way you will discover yourself, what you need and want out of life, contribute a verse or two to something meaningful to you, and you’ll find that balance and happiness you’ve been lacking and sorely deserve. These things will come to you.
There is so much potential in you, Danielle, and you have such a good heart! I wish you every success in life. Be -- but mostly be happy.
Thank you. That is well-said. I like the image of neglected because to me that gives hope that with some care and attention things will be better. The road is not easy. Some days it is terrible, some days it is extremely rewarding, some days it is pretty ordinary.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous' comments were stated eloquently and perfectly. My additional thought on reading this post was what huge potential this post has to be helpful to someone else who might read it, recognize him/herself, and be moved to seek help. So your writing is not only helping you, but will in all likelihood help others.
ReplyDeleteDiane - I really hope that if other people feel like I felt, they can find a way to seek help, to know that there is hope that things will get better.
ReplyDelete