Wow, I realized today that I've been writing this blog for 6 months already. Where does the time go? It seems like a good time to look back and take stock of things.
When I look at how I felt 6 months ago, and 1 year ago, I'm amazed at how far I've come. I was so depressed, so sad, so numb, so unable to cope. I had no idea how I was feeling at any given moment, I didn't pay any attention to what I needed, I didn't know I was gay. That's a lot of things that have changed. A lot of successes. It certainly hasn't been easy, and a lot of the time it hasn't been fun. I've had to feel and sort through all sorts of emotions, some of them old hurts. Frankly, this process was often terrible.
I've learned and grown and gained a lot of strength from this process. I have learned so much about who I am and what it is that I need and what makes me happy. I'm learning to stand up and ask to have my needs met, I'm learning to take my space in the world. I'm learning that I deserve to have my needs met and I don't have to pretend that I don't have any. I'm learning that if I am truly being myself in a situation and it isn't working then it is the situation that needs to change, not me. I am learning to feel my feelings, good, bad or ugly and not pretend like I don't have any. (As I write this section I find myself in tears).
I have rediscovered some of my friends through this and made some new ones. I am continually amazed at what other people will do to help and how much people really do care about me. At one point before all of this, I never would have believed that there could be so much care and love in my life. I am grateful for that and for the support I have received so far.
There are still bad days, still bad moments, still times when I actually wonder if things are better. Of late I feel like I am processing so many of the hard emotions from depression (as you will see from some previous posts). It's not so much that I feel like that, but I need to find a way to express what was for so long impossible for me to express. It feels good to be able to put words to things that were so awful for me.
I have a feeling that this journey is not over, but I am well on my way. I no longer see myself in the same way and I have a hope and joy that I never could have imagined.
This is absolutely inspiring. I may print out that third paragraph and hang it in my apartment; it is a spot-on description of a healthy human being. I have no doubt that the journey to this point has been terrible at times, as you said, and I think you're being very realistic to assume that it's not over. Part of that not-being-over is doing what you've been doing and processing old stuff. The old stuff comes out when it's safe for it to come out. And it's safe now because you have the knowledge and skills to deal with it and do what needs to be done. Great work getting to this point! Very happy for you.
ReplyDeletep.s. Maybe it's because I'm a high school teacher, but this whole post has a graduation speech feel to it, and I mean that in a good way. And at a high school graduation we know that students aren't done learning, but that they have the knowledge and skills to begin their adult life. Certainly you're already an adult and I hope no one reads too much into the high school part of this analogy, but the part about having completed a stage of learning and being ready for the next stage of life fits, I think.
Thanks so much for your comments Diane. I appreciate the feedback, and I didn't read too much into the high school part of the analogy. But, it's true from the sense of having the skills to move on, and least it feels like it to me some of the time. I sure hope it is true.
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