Here we go again

It's been a tough week. I felt low and depressed all week. There are lots of things that come along with this: low energy, lots of sleep, lack of desire to eat even though I feel hungry and a reduced ability to problem solve. All things that feed the next and make me feel like I am in a never-ending circle. Add to that the stress of a new job and whoa.

It's been a scary week in some ways because my brain has gone to some dark places that it hasn't been to in a long time. I was driving around today and the thought occurred to me that it would be super easy to use my car to harm or kill myself. I didn't think it was a good idea, but it still scares me when I head down that road.

So, as I always do when I feel down, I started analyzing what is going on with me. Is there anything particular making me feel like this? It seems this time it is a mixture of things with the biggest one is trauma triggers. Again. Trauma really does mess with your head.

The new job is good and going well, and it is also causing all sorts of triggers for me. The same old feelings of needing to be perfect, of needing to be on top of everything all the time, of needing to never make a mistake, of feeling like the other shoe is going to drop any time. All of this because the traumatized part of my brain says that if I make a mistake or don't measure up to some crazy standard that I create that it is dangerous, that something awful and unsafe will happen to me. Because in the past it has. In more than one situation, but the work one is the one that has the most influence right now.

I can't convince some parts of my brain that the danger is over, that I am no longer in that situation and that those old ways of keeping myself safe are no longer useful.  That part of my brain takes the parts of this job that feel familiar to the traumatic situation and goes there, over and over again. The thing is the parts that are familiar are not bad at all and my current work situation is not dangerous.  And I have other, healthier ways to keep myself safe. I know so much more now than I did then.

Triggers really are tough. It's like reliving the same horror again and again. For me I think this is why I sleep so much when I feel depressed as it is relief from the horror and darkness. The usual things that make me feel better don't have the same effect either. For example I went swimming today, and while it helped a little it wasn't the same. My brain certainly hasn't got to a point of believing the danger s over. At times like this week it feels like it is lurking everywhere, even when rationally I know it is not. This kind of thing is crazy-making for me.

I generally don't like the expression "battling depression" as it makes me feel like I am battling myself and that feels horrible. This week though it has felt like a battled between logic and trauma, between rational and depression. And I can observe it, but I am also living it. No wonder I try to find relief.

I have no real idea of what to do with all this. I do know this though, realizing that this latest darkness has at least something to do with past trauma at least gives me a place to start.  I also know that there is a way through. I will confess though that today I wish it didn't feel so hard.