A colleague said something to me a couple of months ago. I brushed it off then as nothing, but it really made me think. There were a few of us in the kitchen, and one lady was giving me a hard time about being a klutz. Another one was kinder saying she was familiar with a number of injuries since I started at my current workplace.
Another woman was there and said for awhile she thought it was self-harm, only she knew it wasn't because there were witnesses to the accidents that caused the injuries. I laughed it off with everyone at the time.
However, it wasn't as innocent as accidents, at least not for probably the first 3 years I worked at this place. I wasn't actively harming myself, but I wasn't doing anything to stay out of the way of harm when it came my way. I also was so deep in the hole of depression that I didn't care if I got hurt, and I was having such a hard time believing that I had any value that I was careless with my safety.
In my experience these thoughts left unchecked lead to fantasies of injury, then lead to the thought of taking me own life being appealing. The accidents and associated thoughts were a precursor that time as well. (The thought of taking me life has been there a number of times for me). Thankfully this time the end result was me saying to the psychologist I was seeing that something needed to change and that I couldn't live like that anymore. Then the journey I have been on for the last 5 years began.
And so dear colleague, friends and readers, I ask you to trust your intuition about things. My colleague was right, although my way of harming myself was much more subtle. Talk to people about mental health, mental illness, self-harm, suicide prevention etc...
These days injuries are accidents. I play dodgeball which comes with its risks. And well accidents do happen. I care enough about myself now to be more careful, and to pay more attention.
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