having depression

This week I felt like I have depression.  It's odd how much harder this seems after some weeks of not feeling like it at all.

For so long, having depression was just a fact of how I existed.  It wasn't good, but really I was so much in survival mode that I hardly noticed.  Now, when I have a week where I really feel it, really notice it, it's horrible. I am feeling a bit better today, thankfully.  It's scary to have a tough week because it feels a lot like, oh boy, here we go again.  Now that I have been out of the bottom for awhile, I have zero desire to go back there and anything that makes me feel like I might is hard to take.  It's hard to keep perspective.  It's a leap of faith that things are actually better and to believe that one bad day, or one bad week, won't lead to another and another and another.  It's a leap of faith to believe that the tools I have acquired won't let me down, that they will work.  It's a leap of faith to believe, really believe, that I am stronger, that I am going to be ok.

It often feels like leaping into the abyss.  I don't really know what will happen, how things will turn out.  All I know is things turning into depression, risk-taking turning out badly, being unhappy etc...  It's really hard to keep trying and believing I will be ok, that things are not going to turn out the way they used to.  Some days I think I have taken that leap of faith.  Other days, not so much.