Funny, now that I am feeling relatively better, there are times when I really want to describe what the bottom felt like. Maybe it's because I can see now with a bit more clarity.
Life generally is full of ups and downs. Some days are good, some days are bad and lots of days are pretty neutral. With depression the neutral days feel like the most amazing thing in the world because almost all the time things are bad. I felt so much like I was trying so hard to cope, so hard to be a good person, so hard to organize my life so that I would be happy. And nothing, absolutely nothing made me feel any different about life. I felt down and numb and totally overwhelmed all the time. I felt like I couldn't handle life. In reality I couldn't actually. And not because of lack of effort or want on my part, but because I wasn't able.
Honestly, I didn't really know there was a different way for me. I felt like things would be a struggle always and would never get any better. It's a terrible way to live, but it is not living, it is existing. And barely at that.
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