This and that

When I logged on today to write this blog, I realized that it has been more than 3 weeks since I last wrote one.  A good sign to be sure.  The desperate need to sort out what is going on with me is waning some.

It's been a month of good things.  Time with family and friends.  Vacation.  A few dates as well.  Some dodgeball, and the great people I continue to meet that way.  Many times I have found myself just being... just being in the moment and living life.  It's an incredible feeling.  It's so nice to be able to live and feel alive.

It's been a month of challenges.  Some things to think about and process.  How to manage stressful situations without losing it.  How to deal with people that challenge me.  How to take care of myself when there is so much pressure around me to do things differently.  The thing with all of this is that I am learning.  It's not always easy and I don't always react the way I would want to... but I am learning.

Learning that if I don't take care of myself, eventually none of the pressure will matter because I won't be able to handle it.  Learning that there are just some things in my life that have to be non-negotiable.  Like sleep and exercise and eating right.  It's doesn't take very long for a lack of these things to make me feel like I can't cope.

Random thoughts for today.

Old hurts

It's funny what can bring up emotions that I thought were dealt with and long gone.  I have been having such a lovely weekend, full of family and friends and fun.  Then, this evening, a post on someone's facebook page has me in tears, and not because the post was sad.  For some reason though it has me feeling lonely and rejected, feeling that same feeling of not fitting in anywhere that I have felt so many times in my life.

So often I feel on the fringe of things. Like, people like me, but don't want to be friends with me.  This started in about Jr. High School and reoccurred so many times in my life.  And, at times it hurts.  Tonight I am feeling some of those old hurts again.  And yet, I'm not sure it is all old hurts.

I've been back in my hometown for 4 years now and often it still feels like I am starting new.  So much has changed for me since coming to terms with having depression and I am different.  So, logically I know that in a lot of ways I am starting anew, again.  But, still, it is hard to always feel like I have to be the person putting myself out there to meet people.  And, well, I feel like I am learning to interact with people all over again.

There are good people in my life.  I have friends here.  Maybe it's just old hurts I thought I had dealt with.  Feelings of rejection.  Hopefully a few tears will work some of that out.

Not perfect

I've recently been rekindling a love of drawing.  I stopped doing it a long time ago when someone told me I didn't have any talent at it.  I so much wanted approval for so much of my life then when I couldn't do something well then I just didn't do it at all.  Now, I am discovering the value in the process.  I love to draw. Am I likely to become a professional artist?  I can't picture it.  But, it doesn't matter.

I am learning that perfection is not necessarily the end goal in life.  Trying, taking risks, growing, learning.  These are all perfectly valid goals.  Going after them makes me feel better about myself than going after perfection ever has.  It's interesting seeing myself slowly pursue different things in life. To judge myself on different criteria than I ever have.

18 months

It's been 18 months since I started taking anti-depressants.  18 months since I finally had an official diagnosis of depression. 18 months since I finally accepted that this was part of my life.  18 months of focusing on my health and finding ways to live in a way that acknowledges that fact.  18 months of looking inside and finding so many hurts, so much pain and finding ways to let it go.

It's been a pretty tough 18 months in a lot of ways.  There have been a lot of tears, a lot of anger, a lot of emotional pain.  I've had to learn to pay attention to how I feel.  I've been learning to stand up for myself and know that it's ok to do that.  I've learned that I am important and I need to look out for me.  I've come to understand that I am valuable just because I am me, not because of my achievements.  I know that its good to accept the love from friends and family.  I've learned to lean on other people when I feel weak and need someone to be strong for me.  I am so grateful to the people who have done this and continue to do this for me.

I've learned what depression is and the effect it has on my life.  I know depression, I know it intimately.  I know how it feels.  I know the desperation that can come when it seems like depression is all there is.  I know what it does to me.  And, I feel for other people who have this illness.

Looking back is good sometimes. I remember how horrible my life was for so long.  How I felt like I was existing and not really alive.  How I really didn't care about anything.  I was surviving and just waiting for things to get better.  Waiting for a day when I could get out of the hell I felt like I was in.

I no longer feel that way.  Now, I find myself laughing and smiling, and not because I am faking it.  I see joy and sorrow.  I feel my feelings, I feel alive. Feeling better is not about feeling good all the time, at least not for me.  For me, it's about feeling period.  Feeling happy, feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling frustrated etc... It's about caring about my life and being involved.  I feel like I am there in so many ways.

I know that depression has affected how I see the world, how I act and react.  I'm working on sorting through what of that is useful to keep and what needs to go.  I'm also working on finding a way to live that includes the things that keep me healthy.  Family, friends, exercise, eating right, down time.  It still doesn't feel natural to try to find this balance, so I will continue to work.  The feeling of being ok is so strange for me. I am still getting used to it.

Changes

I went to a house concert tonight.  It was at a lesbian woman's house and the performer was a lesbian who sings about life as a lesbian. I was sitting on the living room floor there, thinking about how different my life is from what it used to be.  At one point, I was very involved in church and spent a lot of time with fairly conservative Christians.  And, before I move on, let me add how wonderful and lovely these people are.

Tonight I was in a room full of gay women, watching a concert.  I loved every minute of it.  I felt like I belonged there in a way that I haven't often felt in my life.

It amazes me sometimes how my life has changed and how I am feeling more and more comfortable in my skin.  It's still novel for me.  Maybe some day I'll get used to it.  I just hope I never take it for granted.

Ok, fairly random thoughts tonight. It's late, I'm tired.  But these things are on my mind.

Doing the work

Awhile ago, my counsellor told me I was doing good things by making changes to my life while taking the anti-depressants.  The medication is making me feel better, but as I have learned, doing the hard work to get at the core of some things is what will carry me forward.  It was super hard, but I can really see the benefits.  I see my life so much differently than I used to.  I see myself taking risks, doing things differently.  Some situations that I used to dread because I felt invisible are actually fun now because I have found a way to take up my allotted space.  I feel like in a lot of ways I am able to enjoy the benefits of the hard work.  There are things I am still working on, but the fact that other areas are coming together gives me hope that these things will as well.

Defining me

Lately it feels like the connection I have with people I meet is always either depression, being gay, or both.  For about a year and a half now, these are the two things that have been biggest in my life.  But, lately it feels like they are not really good reasons to connect with people, at least they are not enough.  I'm so much bigger than depression.  It's a part of me, but it's certainly not all of me.  But, I think it is the part of me that has been showing through the most.  I'm not entirely sure how to give it its proper place in my life, but it certainly needs to be smaller.

I want to connect with people for all sorts of reasons, not just because of having depression.  I find in cases where this is the biggest connection, the relationship is hard for me.  I have been there, but I am so much better now.  I don't want to be in the dark place anymore and spending time with people that are there is a big challenge.  I have to work hard to keep myself level.

This is something for me to think on.  I need to think about how I connect for other reasons.  How I show the rest of me, and not just this.