Risk, Reward, Cost

Starting a relationship with someone is always a risk.  As some of you may have guessed I was in one and it ended last week.  I have learned a few things from that.  And, as I deal with economics and risk etc... as a job here are some thoughts on risk.  When we talk about risk with a business decision we talk about reward or cost that could be a result of that risk.  With relationships, it's no different.  We get into them without actually knowing the outcome, risk.

What I noticed this last time is that before getting into them, I need to know that I will be able to handle it if it doesn't last.  Because, this is a very real possibility.  I view dating as a chance to figure out if something will work or not.  We can't know everything, or even enough, about a person before starting that process to know if it will work.  But, we can't know unless we try either.  In the past I tried so hard to make things work that I would twist myself around until I was not myself at all.  This was brutal on me.  The reward that we see at the beginning is that it might work out, for a short while or forever.  The cost is that we try, invest energy and time, and then find out it is not the right thing.  This is likely to come with some difficulty and hurt or sadness.  And, if we are lucky some learnings as well.

This time I was ready to handle whatever happened.  I was ready to try and I was ready to handle the fallout when things didn't work out.  I knew, I really knew, that I would be ok, no matter what happened.  And this is a new thing for me.  It allowed me to see this relationship in a different light.  I was able to take it for what it was and decide for myself whether it was working for me or not.  When it became apparent to me that it wasn't I ended things.  This was hard for me, particularly because it was hard for the other person, but it wasn't devastating.  I had done what I needed to do for myself and in the end that is the right thing, no matter how challenging it was in the moment.

I was ready to accept the reward or the cost.  I knew that the risk was worth it because it might work, but if it didn't that was ok also.  This is such a new feeling for me.   Knowing that I don't a relationship, knowing that I can survive and learn from whatever the experience brings and knowing that I can take care of myself.  I can be myself and see if it works out, instead of trying so hard to make it work, even when it wasn't right.

Out of the darkness

I was watching a movie tonight on older gay and transgendered adults.  It was touching and sad and hopeful all at the same time.  One line got me though which was "moving out of the darkness".  In a lot of ways this is what the journey to learning to live with depression has been for me.

Life felt heavy and dark.  There were no solutions to situations that were making me unhappy.  Everything was hard and dramatic because I could not think straight.  So much darkness.  I guess you have to be in darkness when you get to the edge of killing yourself.  At that point there is no hope.  Nothing in my world seemed right, everything seemed wrong and there didn't seem to be anything I could do to change it.

Over the last year I have seen some light.  Some days a small sliver, like last New Years Day when my nephew was born.  Other days there is a lot of light, days when it feels like everything is connecting.

Today was one of the good days.  I spent the afternoon and evening with 5 people I love very much.  5 people who accept me for who I am, even when it is hard for them.  5 people who are there for me, always.  These people are my family.

It is good for me to stop once in awhile and remember the good things.  Giggling and laughing with my nephew is right up there, having my dad tell me again today that he cares and that my parents are there for me, having a friend call me last week just to make sure I was ok (even if I didn't talk to her), living in a time where I can talk about depression without being hospitalized and given shock treatment, living in a time where I can talk about being gay, learning to love myself - warts and all, seeing changes in the way I do things, standing up for myself, doing nice things for me etc... etc...  The list is long, if I only stop to remember.

Writing all the good things was enough to make me cry.  I am so grateful to be out of the dark, mainly.  I have days where the dark is overwhelming again, but it seems that these are only days, and not a general trend.   I am so grateful today to the good people in my life that help me to remember that there is light in the world, and in me.

Processing

The trouble with not taking enough time for myself is that I don't take the time to process.  There have been a couple of hard things in the last few months, some new things and some good things.  Today I am starting to process and think through them and it is a bit overwhelming truthfully.  Attempting to untangle all the emotions and figure out what I can do differently to move away from the depression line and back into wellness it challenging.  But, I am trying and that in and of itself is different that what I did for a long time.  I'm holding onto that hope and doing what I can.

A bit on edge

Lately I've been feeling like I am moving closer and closer to the line between well and depressed.  For awhile there I felt pretty good, but I have been pushing myself too hard.  I felt so good that I forgot some of the reasons I felt good.  Taking care of me being the main one.  Exercise, plenty of sleep, eating properly, a balance between socializing and me time.  My balance has been off for awhile now and I am really noticing it of late.  I've been feeling agitated, tired and down.  My energy to do the things I know I need to is also low.  As my sister said to me when this whole thing started, baby steps.  (This is especially appropriate as I spent  today with my year-old nephew and he is learning to walk).  One thing at a time.  Get some sleep.  Go to the pool.  Cook.  Admit to myself that I am not as well as I would like to be and slow down.  Not try to do too much.  Not try to solve everything today.

Compassion and management

Part of being me is feeling other people's emotions with them.  I am not able to be a neutral bystander.  When people are happy, I feel that.  When they are sad, I feel that also.  This is also why I cry at movies, I am emotionally in the movie; I am not longer a person sitting in the theatre watching the movie.

In many ways this is a good trait.  It allows me to really feel compassion for people.  It allows me to be connected to people.  These are good things.  It has it's downside also.  Often I find it hard not to take other people's pain on as my own.  I am working on that.  Compassion is good, but leaving that emotion with the other person is a necessity as well.  Otherwise I will drive myself insane.  I have a hard enough time feeling my own emotions, I don't need other peoples sticking around as well.

I am slowing learning to manage this part of being me.  To see it for what it is.  I need only to be able to recognize when I am taking on other peoples stuff and slowly learn to let it go...

Sometimes it's tough

I did something very difficult today.  I know in my heart of hearts it was the right thing, but that didn't make it any easier.  I won't share the details because it affects someone else way too much, but let's just say in order to do the right thing I hurt someone I care about a lot.  There wasn't any other way, but still, I don't like to see that look on anyones face and especially when I know I was the cause of the look.  It really hurts me to have to do that.

Sometimes things are just hard.  I have been working so hard to better understand my needs and to really believe I have a right to have them met.  It's one thing when you can just ask.  It's another thing when it involves hurting others.  I am really struggling to remember that I deserve to pay attention to myself and that it is ok to do the right thing.  So much of me wishes I hadn't done it, but there is a small voice that keeps telling me I did the right thing.  I am listening to it, even though it is really hard.

The hurt inside me right now is threatening to make me withdraw again, to stop feeling again, to retreat back to my old coping mechanisms.  I know I can't but it is taking everything I have to keep making myself feel what is going on with me instead of ignoring it.  Staying strong really matters I know.  I will find a way to use the tools I have now to get through this, but right now it is extremely daunting.

Stretched myself too thin

I have learned another lesson about living with depression.  That is that taking care of myself has to be constant.  Last night and today I am feeling pretty down.  I feel stretched too thin for sure.  The last couple of weeks have been fun, but I have also neglected some of the things I need to feel ok.  Not enough sleep, not enough exercise, eating too much rich or sugary or salty food, and not enough down time.  It has taken its toll for sure.  Not only physically but emotionally.  Someone once said that living productively with mental illness means that complacency no longer has a place in your life.  This is true.  The things that keep me well have to happen, no matter what.  Today I rest and tomorrow I will start over again.