People and Colours

I've been thinking about depression and people and colours of late.  To me people can be seen as colours.

My nephew is yellow to me.  He is bright and sunny, smart and curious.  He has the happiest smile and the most contagious laugh and he is an absolute delight to be around.  My parents are all shades of blue and green.  They are a calming influence in my life.  They provide sanctuary for me when I need a place to just be.  My sister is red.  She is a bit of a spit fire.  She's not afraid to tell you what she thinks, or tell it like it is.  On the other hand she is kind and caring and compassionate.  It's been such a privilege to see her move into different stages of life as a wife and mother.  My brother-in-law is a bit of an enigma to me.  He is all colours mashed together, but in a way you can see them all.  But, what I do know is that he loves my sister and he is a great dad.

And me.  What colour am I?  For a long time I saw myself as black.  No colours to share, no colours worth sharing.  Depression, no self-esteem, feeling worthless, no way to see anything except black.  I don't think others saw me this way, but I sure did.  How do I see myself now?  I believe I have some colours to share and worth sharing.  Often I feel like they are still dark colours, but no longer black all the time.  I think all of my colours are dotted with black, and probably always will be.

I find that my black dots are eager to once again grow into all encompassing blackness.  While it was not a good way to live, it was comfortable for me.  There really weren't days of feeling unsettled, of feeling like changes are hard.  Those black places don't like the discomfort.  When I am around people who are all black it takes a lot of energy for me to keep the black places as small dots.  I feel so much for people in that place, because I was there, but that kind of black wants to suck up every bit of colour and make it black.  I can see that in order to keep my colours I need to find people that are colourful, who can encourage my  colours to grow and do not draw on the black dots.