In a documentary I watched a few years ago Clara Hughes described her experience with depression as a difference between connection and disconnection. This really struck a chord with me.
For me when things are good it seems like my life flows, there is connection and rhythym. It feels to me like a drum circle. Then there is depression. The noise then is more akin to a toddler using the pots to drum. But maybe not even that because that process is still fun for the toddler. The noise is probablu better described as nails on a chalk board. Unpleasant and makes you cringe.
These days I experience both of these states. It amazes me though how long I lived with the noise only.
Tuesday, 23 September 2014
Tuesday, 9 September 2014
Sadness and renewal
I found out this morning that a colleague passed away last week. This news makes me sad. This was a woman who helped me a lot when things were so bad with me. We would go for coffee and she listened to me and cared. She offered books and websites that had helped her in her life. I didn't always agree with her thoughts or viewpoints, but there was no denying she was a kind soul. It makes me sad also that her grandson, who is probably around 4 will not have a chance to really know his grandmother.
Whenever someone dies at what seems to be too young, it strikes me that life is fragile. I remember someone once saying to me that we all assume we have time, but in reality lots of people don't make it to old age. I've known enough people that haven't made it there that it certainly makes me think.
So, what do I do with this? It always reminds me that I need to live my own life the best way I can because you never really know what will happen. This is my mission anyhow, but if I can use a sad event to motivate me again, then some good comes out of it. I will once again look at really is important to me and evaluate if my life is honouring those things, or if it is caught up in something else that I don't care so much about, but feel stuck in. This to me is what is important.
Living according to what I think is important is the only way I can think of to make sure that I make the most of this one life I have.
Whenever someone dies at what seems to be too young, it strikes me that life is fragile. I remember someone once saying to me that we all assume we have time, but in reality lots of people don't make it to old age. I've known enough people that haven't made it there that it certainly makes me think.
So, what do I do with this? It always reminds me that I need to live my own life the best way I can because you never really know what will happen. This is my mission anyhow, but if I can use a sad event to motivate me again, then some good comes out of it. I will once again look at really is important to me and evaluate if my life is honouring those things, or if it is caught up in something else that I don't care so much about, but feel stuck in. This to me is what is important.
Living according to what I think is important is the only way I can think of to make sure that I make the most of this one life I have.
Sunday, 31 August 2014
Signs
Today was the Pride parade where I live. That combined with a conversation I had with a friend from my high school days last week has me thinking a lot about being gay. When my friend and I got talking about it she told me she knew, or at least the thought has occurred to her. She said I didn't seem interested in boys like everyone else. She also said when I got really involved in church it seemed like I was really hoping that it would "take". These are similar things to what I can see in hindsight. Interesting that she saw them in the moment.
I am still often amazed at my own powers of deception. It seems I wasn't able to deceive those around me that knew me well, but I was certainly able to deceive myself. In all those years, more than one person asked me if I was gay and I said no. I remember every time having crazy anxiety when they would ask the question. I also remember faking thinking boys were interesting when I was a teenager. But, I thought that was normal. I thought everyone was faking it, just to fit in.
When I started going to church and getting really involved, it didn't feel fake, at least not in the moment. I truly thought I was there because I believed in God and Jesus and the whole Christian message. There were times when I wondered what was wrong with me, but they were few and far between.
Don't get me wrong, the thought occurred to me several times also, but I managed to brush it off, to convince myself it wasn't true. But, every time I had a boyfriend I remember feeling a sense of relief, that the world wouldn't question me anymore.
And so, I deceived myself. When I look back, what seemed normal in the moment, seems so not normal to me now.
My goal all along this journey with depression has been to live authentically and honestly with myself. Coming to terms with my sexuality was a big step in that process. Learning to be honest with myself was an even bigger step.
And so, I will live the rest of my life knowing that I like women and not men. This might be a harder path as far as far as fitting in in some circles in society. But, it is an easier path than lying to myself and feeling like there is something wrong with me everyday.
I am still often amazed at my own powers of deception. It seems I wasn't able to deceive those around me that knew me well, but I was certainly able to deceive myself. In all those years, more than one person asked me if I was gay and I said no. I remember every time having crazy anxiety when they would ask the question. I also remember faking thinking boys were interesting when I was a teenager. But, I thought that was normal. I thought everyone was faking it, just to fit in.
When I started going to church and getting really involved, it didn't feel fake, at least not in the moment. I truly thought I was there because I believed in God and Jesus and the whole Christian message. There were times when I wondered what was wrong with me, but they were few and far between.
Don't get me wrong, the thought occurred to me several times also, but I managed to brush it off, to convince myself it wasn't true. But, every time I had a boyfriend I remember feeling a sense of relief, that the world wouldn't question me anymore.
And so, I deceived myself. When I look back, what seemed normal in the moment, seems so not normal to me now.
My goal all along this journey with depression has been to live authentically and honestly with myself. Coming to terms with my sexuality was a big step in that process. Learning to be honest with myself was an even bigger step.
And so, I will live the rest of my life knowing that I like women and not men. This might be a harder path as far as far as fitting in in some circles in society. But, it is an easier path than lying to myself and feeling like there is something wrong with me everyday.
Friday, 29 August 2014
The Elusive Sweet Spot
Lately I have been in a funk. I feel like there is very little in my life that gives me energy or passion, makes me feel alive.
I read an article a bit ago that was talking about challenge and skill level. It said that when you get a challenge that gets you right to the edge of your ability, that is the sweet spot. That place where the challenge takes up all of your concentration and skill, but is still in the realm of your ability to do it. I've also heard people say that it is at the edges of your ability that growth happens.
When I first had that diagnosis of depression, I was terrified. I really felt like the challenge was way beyond my ability to handle it. In the beginning it really was. Everything was so overwhelming and so I was exhausted. Of late, it feels like my ability has surpassed the challenge.
From the perspective of recovery, of learning to live with depression, this is really good place to be. It does leave me with capacity for challenge. Between the years when the depression was so bad and then the years of learning to live with it, it has been a long time since I have been in a place to look for challenge.
The truth be told I don't know anymore what it is I need to do to find that passion or aliveness. And so the funk.
I read an article a bit ago that was talking about challenge and skill level. It said that when you get a challenge that gets you right to the edge of your ability, that is the sweet spot. That place where the challenge takes up all of your concentration and skill, but is still in the realm of your ability to do it. I've also heard people say that it is at the edges of your ability that growth happens.
When I first had that diagnosis of depression, I was terrified. I really felt like the challenge was way beyond my ability to handle it. In the beginning it really was. Everything was so overwhelming and so I was exhausted. Of late, it feels like my ability has surpassed the challenge.
From the perspective of recovery, of learning to live with depression, this is really good place to be. It does leave me with capacity for challenge. Between the years when the depression was so bad and then the years of learning to live with it, it has been a long time since I have been in a place to look for challenge.
The truth be told I don't know anymore what it is I need to do to find that passion or aliveness. And so the funk.
Sunday, 24 August 2014
Change
There is something in my life that needs to change. Something that is really dragging on my soul and happiness. I've been thinking a lot lately about this.
The challenge for me is whether or not to do the safe thing and make the change that way or take a risk and a big leap of faith. In my life I have generally done the safe thing and actually lived to question that decision a few times. But then, the risky thing is just that, risky.
I feel a bit like there is a tug-of-war going on inside me. The part of me that values security is making one argument, while the side of me that values happiness is making the other one. Anyone have any thoughts to share?
The challenge for me is whether or not to do the safe thing and make the change that way or take a risk and a big leap of faith. In my life I have generally done the safe thing and actually lived to question that decision a few times. But then, the risky thing is just that, risky.
I feel a bit like there is a tug-of-war going on inside me. The part of me that values security is making one argument, while the side of me that values happiness is making the other one. Anyone have any thoughts to share?
Saturday, 16 August 2014
Trauma
I have been doing a lot of reading about trauma of late as it is time to address mine. I am a survivor of workplace bullying. I haven't said those words out loud very much out of fear. Fear of the reaction I might get. Fear of what people will think of me. Fear of believing that somehow saying the words will make me damaged goods and not likeable or employable. But, they are my truth. And the experience was traumatic and I am still dealing with the aftermath.
I haven't been in that workplace for a few years now. The truth is I am finally feeling strong enough to face things. It's interesting that the whole reason I started getting help once I left there is because of what happened there. And yet I have spent a long time now dealing with so many other things. I can see now though how much I needed to be at a certain point to be able to deal with the trauma.
I've been thinking also of how mental health challenges are still really rather taboo. So many people have encouraged me to keep this trauma quiet, for so many reasons. I appreciate the concern, I really do. But, keeping quiet and not acknowledging my own truth makes me feel like somehow I was to blame, or I should feel ashamed or guilty. The thing is, it did happen. And I am not to blame. If there are people who think this makes me damaged or unemployable, then that is their loss. In order for me to live and get back so much of what I lost, I need to start being ok with my life. All of it.
I haven't been in that workplace for a few years now. The truth is I am finally feeling strong enough to face things. It's interesting that the whole reason I started getting help once I left there is because of what happened there. And yet I have spent a long time now dealing with so many other things. I can see now though how much I needed to be at a certain point to be able to deal with the trauma.
I've been thinking also of how mental health challenges are still really rather taboo. So many people have encouraged me to keep this trauma quiet, for so many reasons. I appreciate the concern, I really do. But, keeping quiet and not acknowledging my own truth makes me feel like somehow I was to blame, or I should feel ashamed or guilty. The thing is, it did happen. And I am not to blame. If there are people who think this makes me damaged or unemployable, then that is their loss. In order for me to live and get back so much of what I lost, I need to start being ok with my life. All of it.
Tuesday, 12 August 2014
Things that make me happy, that maybe shouldn't
I went to the doctor today to renew my prescription for my anti-depressant. Normally my doctor gives me a little over 3 months worth and then I go back to see him to do it all over again. There was a replacement doctor there today and she gave me 6 months worth of a prescription. Oh joy, oh bliss. One less trip to the doctor's office. Strange how the little things make you happy.
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