At one point in my life, when the depression was raging, there was no joy, ever. The moment I remember feeling the darkness lift a teeny tiny bit was now nearly 4.5 years ago when my nephew was born. At the time it felt like such a foreign emotion I didn't know what to do with it, or really how to let myself experience it.
Fast forward to today. I have been re-habbing a broken foot for the last 3 months or so. One of the things I need to do is stay off it. Usually my main way of getting to and from work is walking. Now I take the bus most days. Today though, I rode my bike. At the end of the day I felt such a sense of joy that getting home was not confined by the bus schedule, I could leave when I was ready and come straight home.
On the way home I rode by a stretch of mayday trees in bloom and the smell was delightful. I also rode by a whole bunch of goslings, so cute. I noticed and enjoyed these things.
It is really still amazing to me to feel the positive emotion that comes in these moments. Not just know that something good is going on and yet have no experience of anything positive. And then, especially before I had the diagnosis of depression, I would wonder what in earth was wrong with me that I never felt joy. Oof, hard way to live.
Today I am grateftul for treatment that is working, that I can be a part of the world for good and bad.
#blog4mh
Thursday, 21 May 2015
Monday, 11 May 2015
The Silver Lining
For the past 2+ months I have been working on rehabilitating a stress fracture in my foot. And the rehab will continue for some time yet. This means staying off it as much as possible. Challenging for me. My main sources of exercise are walking to and from work and playing dodgeball. Neither of which are really about staying off your foot.
When I first got the news I was pretty worried about what this would do to my mental health. Like a lot of people, exercise is one of the big parts of living with depression for me. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage. For the first couple of weeks I didn't manage very well. I still wanted to do the regular things.
After that I started getting a bit creative and doing other things. Not necessarily my choice of things, but at least a good substitute to keeping the darkness at bay.
Funny things is, now that I have to be more intentional about exercising I think I am doing more of it than I was. It has really made thing about my regular habits. I don't usually pay attention to the amount of time or the balance of exercise. I have been doing that more of late. I am hoping that some of the new habits will stick. At that very least it has made me pay more attention.
I also see more clearly just how important getting exercise is to my mental health regime. A better understanding of the link and the effects is never a bad thing.
#blog4mh
#getloud
#blog4mh
#getloud
Thursday, 7 May 2015
First World Problems
I hate the phrase that has arisen recently, First World Problems. It makes me angry. Ok so before anyone thinks I don't get it, let me explain.
I understand the purpose is to remind people that we have it really good in this part of the world. It is to remind people to have some perspective on the things that are bothering them. And I agree with the sentiment.
Where it bothers me is that so often it is used to insinuate that people shouldn't feel or think a certain way about a situation. To me this is unhealthy. And for those of us living with mental illness it can be downright awful.
We live in the society we are in. It comes with a lot of privilege. For most of us, this means not worrying about our physical needs being cared for. We have places to live, clothes to wear and food to eat. Our society also comes with its own downsides and pressures. The way any of us feel about these is legitimate and valid. No matter how silly it might seem.
Now, let's take this a step further. For me, and a lot of others, one of the symptoms of mental illness is feeling lousy, overwhelmed, upset, anxious etc... all the time. The thing is, I have a good life. Rationally, there really is no "good" reason to feel awful. There are certainly people around me and around the world who have it way worse than me, and they don't feel like I do sometimes.
To me, anything that is aimed at making people with mental ilness feel shame for the feelings they have adds to the stigma surrounding mental illness. It makes people with the illness feel like they shouldn't feel like they do, even when there is nothing they can do about it. I think it also could lead people to hide what is going on with them.
In the end people with mental illness need support, not shame. Stigma is not helpful. Hiding is not helpful. And so I am workinf on watching the words I use and hope that others are also.
PS this is my 2nd blog post in the blog challenge I have joined
Check out #blog4mh on twitter to see all of the thoughts about mental health that are part of this challenge.
Also, it is the Canadian Mental Health Association mental health awareness week this week. Their theme is #Get Loud. Let's all get loud and talk about mental health.
I understand the purpose is to remind people that we have it really good in this part of the world. It is to remind people to have some perspective on the things that are bothering them. And I agree with the sentiment.
Where it bothers me is that so often it is used to insinuate that people shouldn't feel or think a certain way about a situation. To me this is unhealthy. And for those of us living with mental illness it can be downright awful.
We live in the society we are in. It comes with a lot of privilege. For most of us, this means not worrying about our physical needs being cared for. We have places to live, clothes to wear and food to eat. Our society also comes with its own downsides and pressures. The way any of us feel about these is legitimate and valid. No matter how silly it might seem.
Now, let's take this a step further. For me, and a lot of others, one of the symptoms of mental illness is feeling lousy, overwhelmed, upset, anxious etc... all the time. The thing is, I have a good life. Rationally, there really is no "good" reason to feel awful. There are certainly people around me and around the world who have it way worse than me, and they don't feel like I do sometimes.
To me, anything that is aimed at making people with mental ilness feel shame for the feelings they have adds to the stigma surrounding mental illness. It makes people with the illness feel like they shouldn't feel like they do, even when there is nothing they can do about it. I think it also could lead people to hide what is going on with them.
In the end people with mental illness need support, not shame. Stigma is not helpful. Hiding is not helpful. And so I am workinf on watching the words I use and hope that others are also.
PS this is my 2nd blog post in the blog challenge I have joined
Check out #blog4mh on twitter to see all of the thoughts about mental health that are part of this challenge.
Also, it is the Canadian Mental Health Association mental health awareness week this week. Their theme is #Get Loud. Let's all get loud and talk about mental health.
Sunday, 3 May 2015
Get Loud
Tomorrow is the beginning of mental health awareness week. This year I have joined a blog challenge. #blog4mh on twitter to see the posts.
One of the themes I have heard is get loud. So what does this mean to me? Talk about your experience. Don't hide. Don't be afraid. Stigma only has to affect us if we let it. If someone can't handle the truth then they are not worth the effort. All these things seem easy when I am at home writing a post.
How will they be tomorrow when I go to work? How will they be when I go to a knitting group later in the week? How will they be when I have another appointment with a new doctor, one whom I haven't been able to figure out just yet?
These situations are where the rubber hits the road. Places where I have an opportunity to spread awareness or fear. Places where I can use my experience for good, or I can hide.
And so with this blog I am going to try to be brave one more time this week than I might otherwise. I am going to talk about mental health awareness week. I am going to see if I can do one small thing differently than I have before. I encourage you to do the same.
http://championsforcommunitywellness.com/2015/05/01/blog4mh-round-up-week-one-gets-started/
One of the themes I have heard is get loud. So what does this mean to me? Talk about your experience. Don't hide. Don't be afraid. Stigma only has to affect us if we let it. If someone can't handle the truth then they are not worth the effort. All these things seem easy when I am at home writing a post.
How will they be tomorrow when I go to work? How will they be when I go to a knitting group later in the week? How will they be when I have another appointment with a new doctor, one whom I haven't been able to figure out just yet?
These situations are where the rubber hits the road. Places where I have an opportunity to spread awareness or fear. Places where I can use my experience for good, or I can hide.
And so with this blog I am going to try to be brave one more time this week than I might otherwise. I am going to talk about mental health awareness week. I am going to see if I can do one small thing differently than I have before. I encourage you to do the same.
http://championsforcommunitywellness.com/2015/05/01/blog4mh-round-up-week-one-gets-started/
Friday, 24 April 2015
Better
Today I had a counselling appointment and something that I said seems like a good topic for a post. I said at one point that I am better. It's true. I spent a lot of my energy over the last 4+ years working on grieving, healing and finding different ways to be. I also have a chronic illness that ultimately is managed, not cured.
Lately I have been feeling good. And I believe it shows. People are smiling at me on the street. Bigger than that though, I got out to meet new people twice in the last 2 weeks. I have been wanting to do this for awhile, and haven't because I didn't have the energy. It's nice to feel ok.
I have worked really hard to get to this place. I opened my version of Pandora's box. And really for quite awhile it seemed bottomless. I would deal with one thing and find another layer and another and another. I have faced so many of my demons head on and come out the other side. I am strong. I have learned to trust myself, trust my intuition, to know that I can handle things even when they seem daunting, scary or impossible.
And I am proud of my accomplishment. I was thinking today how we still keep depression quiet because of the stigma. Seriously though, facing the healing for me has taken way more strength than anything else I have ever done. Depression for me is not about weakness at all. Healing is about courage. It has to be as it is not easy.
I also know that I have a chronic illness...or at least that is the way it seems. The ups and downs of life are bound to happen. For me they will be complicated by the extra layer of depression/anxiety/PTSD. That is my life.
So right now, while I feel good, I am working in putting in place a few more supports so that when things are down again they will be there and won't feel so hard.
In the end it's about recognizing how far I have come and what an amazing thing that really is.
Lately I have been feeling good. And I believe it shows. People are smiling at me on the street. Bigger than that though, I got out to meet new people twice in the last 2 weeks. I have been wanting to do this for awhile, and haven't because I didn't have the energy. It's nice to feel ok.
I have worked really hard to get to this place. I opened my version of Pandora's box. And really for quite awhile it seemed bottomless. I would deal with one thing and find another layer and another and another. I have faced so many of my demons head on and come out the other side. I am strong. I have learned to trust myself, trust my intuition, to know that I can handle things even when they seem daunting, scary or impossible.
And I am proud of my accomplishment. I was thinking today how we still keep depression quiet because of the stigma. Seriously though, facing the healing for me has taken way more strength than anything else I have ever done. Depression for me is not about weakness at all. Healing is about courage. It has to be as it is not easy.
I also know that I have a chronic illness...or at least that is the way it seems. The ups and downs of life are bound to happen. For me they will be complicated by the extra layer of depression/anxiety/PTSD. That is my life.
So right now, while I feel good, I am working in putting in place a few more supports so that when things are down again they will be there and won't feel so hard.
In the end it's about recognizing how far I have come and what an amazing thing that really is.
Friday, 27 March 2015
Letting it go
Today at a couselling appointment I realized how powerful words can be, especially when one is in a vulnerable state.
We were talking about self-blame. I have still been struggling with this from the bullying situation I was in. As I was talking today it came out that the first therapist I saw after that situation told me that I needed to look at my role in all of it as it takes two to tango. The counselor today was horrified to hear that someone told me this.
The truth is that that line never sat well with me. It did however make me feel like what happened was somehow my fault, but in a way that I could never quite get my head around. I was in such a difficult place at the time that I took her word for it, because I didn't know better. It means though that I have been carrying around some nebulous blame for that situation for a long time.
What I really needed to hear loud and clear is that it wasn't my fault. That what happened had everything to do with the bully and nothing to do with me. My only crimes were being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and being a sensitive person which made the whole situation harder on me.
I can finally feel a shift in me over this. Maybe, just maybe I will actually be able to believe that it wasn't my fault and I can let the blame go.
We were talking about self-blame. I have still been struggling with this from the bullying situation I was in. As I was talking today it came out that the first therapist I saw after that situation told me that I needed to look at my role in all of it as it takes two to tango. The counselor today was horrified to hear that someone told me this.
The truth is that that line never sat well with me. It did however make me feel like what happened was somehow my fault, but in a way that I could never quite get my head around. I was in such a difficult place at the time that I took her word for it, because I didn't know better. It means though that I have been carrying around some nebulous blame for that situation for a long time.
What I really needed to hear loud and clear is that it wasn't my fault. That what happened had everything to do with the bully and nothing to do with me. My only crimes were being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and being a sensitive person which made the whole situation harder on me.
I can finally feel a shift in me over this. Maybe, just maybe I will actually be able to believe that it wasn't my fault and I can let the blame go.
Monday, 16 February 2015
On Steve Montador
News broke yesterday that Steve Montador passed away the night before at his hime in Ontario. Steve Montador is an ex-NHL defenceman. He played for a number of teams including my favourite, the Calgary Flames.
A few years ago when recovering from a concussion Montador was open about the depression and anxiety that this process was causing him. He played a few more games, in the AHL and KHL, but in the end the concussion was career-ending for him.
At this point the police are saying they do not suspect foul play in Montadors death and they will know more after the autopsy. What you read in so many articles is an undertone that perhaps he took his own life. I believe that police are also saying this wasn't a suicide, but that is less obvious in the news releases from them.
So, then I come back to the topic of stigma. An assumption that because Montador had struggled with deprssion and anxiety that people automatically assume or suspect suicide. To me, this speaks directly to stigma. Yes, many people that take their own life struggle with mental illness. But the reverse is not necessarily true. Many people with mental illness do not take their own lives.
So, why the automatic assumption? Why the questions? Why the thoughts? Stigma, ignorance, lack of understanding and I guess also the desire for an immediate explanation, even though there isn't one. The question in my mind is would the assumptions be there is he hadn't been open about his struggles with depression and anxiety?
A few years ago when recovering from a concussion Montador was open about the depression and anxiety that this process was causing him. He played a few more games, in the AHL and KHL, but in the end the concussion was career-ending for him.
At this point the police are saying they do not suspect foul play in Montadors death and they will know more after the autopsy. What you read in so many articles is an undertone that perhaps he took his own life. I believe that police are also saying this wasn't a suicide, but that is less obvious in the news releases from them.
So, then I come back to the topic of stigma. An assumption that because Montador had struggled with deprssion and anxiety that people automatically assume or suspect suicide. To me, this speaks directly to stigma. Yes, many people that take their own life struggle with mental illness. But the reverse is not necessarily true. Many people with mental illness do not take their own lives.
So, why the automatic assumption? Why the questions? Why the thoughts? Stigma, ignorance, lack of understanding and I guess also the desire for an immediate explanation, even though there isn't one. The question in my mind is would the assumptions be there is he hadn't been open about his struggles with depression and anxiety?
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