Finding that Place

I've been struggling in the last 3 weeks or so, to the point where a few people have asked me if I am ok.  Lots of reason for it.  I decided today that I needed to do something different to regain my balance.  So, I read this blog from start to finish.  All 5+ years of it.  And, I am amazed.  

Amazed at my own strength, perseverance and determination.  Amazed at where I started and where I am now in comparison to that.  Amazed at the themes that are recurring, like the current challenges of taking in the stress and negativity around me, and the things that haven't changed.  

And one of the biggest things that has changed.  So much of what challenged me in the beginning was my own belief that I didn't merit or deserve any of the good things in life.  I didn't believe that I had any right to stand up for what I needed and that I just had to accept the thing that went on around me, even when they were harmful to me.  This is honestly not the thing I struggle with the most any more.  I no longer feel invisible, I no longer feel like I have no place in the world.  I have found my place and I take it up.

I also have been able to find the place where I am generally aware of how I feel and what is going on with me.  For so long I had no idea of what I was feeling and what I needed in life.

The things I continue to be challenged by are feeling others emotions and energy too much and letting myself get to the place where I won't ask for help when I need it.   I still tend to hide when things aren't good, when a conversation with someone probably would be better.

I am reminded that doing nice things for me is good, and that taking care of my mental health is what matters the most.  I am reminded of the people that are in my corner, that love me and who I love.

I am reminded of my own courage, resilience, bravery and strength.  Depression really did put me through the wringer, and I really have come out the other side.  Unscathed? No.  A different stronger person? Yes.  I am not sure I have regained my balance, I think Tuesday at work will be telling.  What I have regained is some peace.

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