Ride Don't Hide

Today I rode my bike in the Canadian Mental Health Associations Ride Don't Hide.  There are 3 distances, 105 km, 50 km and 10 km. I rode 10, hopefully 50 next year. They had their own focus for the ride. I had my own reasons.

I wanted to do something to give back. I am one of the lucky ones living with mental illness. I have had great support from the people around me. And I have health benefits at work that mean I can afford timely treatment. I don't have to wait for the public system access to psychologists. I can take the medication I want, even though it is expensive because it doesn't have a generic version. And I, for the most part, don't worry too much about the stigma. I wanted to find a way to pay some of that forward.

I truly believe that there is a shift in attitudes towards mental health and mental illness. I want to help push that forward. I know that so many people suffer for a long time because they are afraid to seek help. I get it. It took me a long time before I would admit to depression also. Hopefully the more the conversation is out in the open, the earlier people will be able to seek help. I hope this is true.

My last reason is that it does me good once in awhile to see the support that is out there for people with mental illness. There is a certan positive energy at these kinds of events. Energy that I take in. Energy that encourages me and makes me braver. Today when they were announcing how many people were participating across the country and the effort people had put into creating teams and fundraising, and seeing all the families out, it made me really emotional. Ok it made me cry. It reminded me again that there are a lot of people out there that think that mental health is important and that are willing to say it out loud and to show it through their actions. This is cool to me.

And so, I encourage you to talk about mental health. To continue to move the conversation out of the shadows into the open. And, if you like to cycle, join me next year. We can even form a team.

Growing Old

Somedays the aging process seems like a lot.
You notice that your eyes don't see as well
You notice that your ears don't hear as well.
You notice that you forget words mid-sentence.
You notice that your body isn't the same, and you know those changes will continue.
And you wonder if it is worth it.

And then you hear of your sister's friend dying of cancer.
You hear of a police officer shot dead.
You remember the people you have known that died younger than you are now.
You remember the people you knew who died at only slightly older than you are now.
You think of the ex-coworker, who you met when he was 15, battling cancer, fighting for his life.
You remember the day you thought life itself wasn't worth living and nearly took your own life.

And you know that aging is worth it as there are so many people that don't get to.
You know that they would give anything to say I love you to their spouse one more time.
To see their children grow up.
To have another beer with their buddies.
To keep living this crazy thing we call life.

And so, you take a deep breath and launch yourself back into life.
The joy, the sorrow, the love, the pain.
And you remember that you are privleged to live another day.

The Scene of the Crime

Yesterday I went to Edmonton to watch the FIFA Women's World Cup soccer. I used to live in Edmonton. It is where all of my hardest days were. It is where the workplace bullying happened and where I was one thought away from taking my own life. It is where I felt betrayed by life.

When I moved from there I was determind to leave it all behind and forget about all the crap. I have been back a handfull of times, all but yesterday before I really understood the PTSD symptoms I experience and before I had any kind of coping skills with them. The lack of trips there has been hard on the few friendships I really do value... but I digress.

So, yesterday. I was so excited to go see the soccer. And the truth is I wasn't even thinking about the crap that happened in the last few years of living there. I was enjoying the drive. Then we got to Leduc, about 20 km outside of Edmonton, and it started. The awful sick feeling in my stomach, the nausea, the very real realization that I was having a panic attack. And the equally real thought that I was trapped in a car full of women that I don't know all that well. Certainly not well enough to want to talk about what was happening.

The spot on the road was familiar. Every time I would return from visiting my family in Calgary, that is about the spot the anxiety would kick in. And so, it happened again

It was tough, especially as I was trying to hide it, and be the navigator as I was the only one familiar with the city. What I learned is that I do have a few more coping skills. By the time we got to the park and ride I was doing better, and by the time we got to the stadium I was ok. 

Interesting really. The bus went right by one of my old apartments, from the days before things got really bad. I was reminded of some of the good days of living in Edmonton. I know that was good for me as I haven't really been able to see beyond the bad days for a long time.

I also learned that I can be in the city and be ok. How that would play out going past the condo I lived in at the worst of it, or the building where I worked might be different. I didn't get near either of those places. But I did remember some of the good times in the areas I was in, so that is a start. Even without the physical reminder of being there, maybe it will help me see my life there in a more real way.

#blog4mh

Aggression and dodgeball

One of my activities over the last few years has been dodgeball. I got into it randomly and ended up on a team of fabulous people equally randomly. The guy who introduced me to the team ended up not being a good fit, but I am still around.

Earlier this year I somehow ended up with a stress fracture in my foot. No idea how actually. Anyhow, as you can likely imagine, part of the treatment is not playing dodgeball, so I haven't played since the first week of March.

A friend asked me today how I was not going crazy, well the truth is, I am going crazy. I knew I would miss it, and I was worried about finding ways to keep up some kind of exercise. Thankfully I can swim still, and bike a little. These are helpful, but I am learning they are missing 2 things: team spirit and aggression.  The first doesn't surprise me. As I said, my teammates are lovely.

The aggression I wouldn't have expected. I don't think of myself as an aggressive or particularly competitive person. I can see though, in hindsight, that many of the times when things were going at least better for me, I had some kind of aggressive outlet. Throughout my days at university I played basketball, volleyball and hockey. And my aggressive side came out.

The nice thing about dodgeball is that it is aggressive, but in a controlled and acceptable way. The whole point of the game is to throw balls at other people. Catching also has its own feeling of aggression, or maybe that is just pain. It sure makes you know you are in the game though.

I guess the other thing about the game is that it really makes you live in the moment.  You either pay attention or get nailed with a ball.

And so, I am struggling without an aggressive outlet in my life right now. I know it is temporary and that my foot will eventually get better. And I am learning something about myself and what makes it easier for me to manage the depression. I really do need a place as an outlet for aggression. Hopefully I will be able to play dodgeball again soon.

Unrecognizable

I had my performance review at work today. It went really well. I have been at my current position for 5 months now. My boss really had not much negative, or really even constructive to say. Her main messages were that it has been nice to watch me develop more or less how she expected I would and that I should carry on as it is going well. No one is worried about my project because they trust I have it under control. A good review to be sure.

We got talking about lots of things and it came up that she wouldn't have recognized the person I was 7 years ago now, and the people from that job wouldn't recognize me either. I am relaxed, confident and usually calm. For the most part I take challenges in stride and find ways to manage them. I have not even been close to an inappropriate emotional outburst.

The work environment had a lot to do with so much of that. Especially when having to deal with a bully everyday. Really when a work environment causes PTSD, there is something amiss there.  Undiagnosed depression and anxiety didn't help either. So many factors working against me at the time. I was told I was a difficult employee to manage and I needed to make so many changes in order to be effective...

Today I was told I am an easy employee to manage, that in my bosses' view we have a good working relationship (which I agree with).

So how do I make sense of it all? Firstly, the depression and anxiety were there before the bully started, but she certainly exacerbated the problem, as did the people who would not acknowledge that she, not I, was the problem. Next, for me work environment is actually really important. Where I am now is even better for me than my regular position, mainly due to the nature of the job that I am there to do.


And mental health is SO imoirtant.  Making mine a priority, no matter what this means, is the only way I can live my life.

#blog4mh

Appreciating the unexpected joy

At one point in my life, when the depression was raging, there was no joy, ever. The moment I remember feeling the darkness lift a teeny tiny bit was now nearly 4.5 years ago when my nephew was born. At the time it felt like such a foreign emotion I didn't know what to do with it, or really how to let myself experience it.

Fast forward to today. I have been re-habbing a broken foot for the last 3 months or so. One of the things I need to do is stay off it. Usually my main way of getting to and from work is walking. Now I take the bus most days. Today though, I rode my bike. At the end of the day I felt such a sense of joy that getting home was not confined by the bus schedule, I could leave when I was ready and come straight home.

On the way home I rode by a stretch of mayday trees in bloom and the smell was delightful. I also rode by a whole bunch of goslings, so cute. I noticed and enjoyed these things.

It is really still amazing to me to feel the positive emotion that comes in these moments. Not just know that something good is going on and yet have no experience of anything positive. And then, especially before I had the diagnosis of depression, I would wonder what in earth was wrong with me that I never felt joy. Oof, hard way to live.

Today I am grateftul for treatment that is working, that I can be a part of the world for good and bad.

#blog4mh

The Silver Lining

For the past 2+ months I have been working on rehabilitating a stress fracture in my foot. And the rehab will continue for some time yet.  This means staying off it as much as possible. Challenging for me. My main sources of exercise are walking to and from work and playing dodgeball. Neither of which are really about staying off your foot.

When I first got the news I was pretty worried about what this would do to my mental health. Like a lot of people, exercise is one of the big parts of living with depression for me. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage. For the first couple of weeks I didn't manage very well. I still wanted to do the regular things.

After that I started getting a bit creative and doing other things. Not necessarily my choice of things, but at least a good substitute to keeping the darkness at bay.

Funny things is, now that I have to be more intentional about exercising I think I am doing more of it than I was. It has really made thing about my regular habits. I don't usually pay attention to the amount of time or the balance of exercise. I have been doing that more of late. I am hoping that some of the new habits will stick. At that very least it has made me pay more attention.

I also see more clearly just how important getting exercise is to my mental health regime. A better understanding of the link and the effects is never a bad thing.

#blog4mh
#getloud