Better

Today I had a counselling appointment and something that I said seems like a good topic for a post. I said at one point that I am better. It's true. I spent a lot of my energy over the last 4+ years working on grieving, healing and finding different ways to be. I also have a chronic illness that ultimately is managed, not cured.

Lately I have been feeling good. And I believe it shows. People are smiling at me on the street. Bigger than that though, I got out to meet new people twice in the last 2 weeks. I have been wanting to do this for awhile, and haven't because I didn't have the energy. It's nice to feel ok.

I have worked really hard to get to this place. I opened my version of Pandora's box. And really for quite awhile it seemed bottomless. I would deal with one thing and find another layer and another and another. I have faced so many of my demons head on and come out the other side. I am strong. I have learned to trust myself, trust my intuition, to know that I can handle things even when they seem daunting, scary or impossible.

And I am proud of my accomplishment. I was thinking today how we still keep depression quiet because of the stigma. Seriously though, facing the healing for me has taken way more strength than anything else I have ever done. Depression for me is not about weakness at all. Healing is about courage. It has to be as it is not easy.

I also know that I have a chronic illness...or at least that is the way it seems. The ups and downs of life are bound to happen. For me they will be complicated by the extra layer of depression/anxiety/PTSD. That is my life.

So right now, while I feel good, I am working in putting in place a few more supports so that when things are down again they will be there and won't feel so hard.

In the end it's about recognizing how far I have come and what an amazing thing that really is.

Letting it go

Today at a couselling appointment I realized how powerful words can be, especially when one is in a vulnerable state.

We were talking about self-blame. I have still been struggling with this from the bullying situation I was in. As I was talking today it came out that the first therapist I saw after that situation told me that I needed to look at my role in all of it as it takes two to tango. The counselor today was horrified to hear that someone told me this.

The truth is that that line never sat well with me. It did however make me feel like what happened was somehow my fault, but in a way that I could never quite get my head around. I was in such a difficult place at the time that I took her word for it, because I didn't know better. It means though that I have been carrying around some nebulous blame for that situation for a long time.

What I really needed to hear loud and clear is that it wasn't my fault. That what happened had everything to do with the bully and nothing to do with me. My only crimes were being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and being a sensitive person which made the whole situation harder on me.

I can finally feel a shift in me over this. Maybe, just maybe I will actually be able to believe that it wasn't my fault and I can let the blame go.

On Steve Montador

News broke yesterday that Steve Montador passed away the night before at his hime in Ontario. Steve Montador is an ex-NHL defenceman. He played for a number of teams including my favourite, the Calgary Flames.

A few years ago when recovering from a concussion Montador was open about the depression and anxiety that this process was causing him. He played a few more games, in the AHL and KHL, but in the end the concussion was career-ending for him.

At this point the police are saying they do not suspect foul play in Montadors death and they will know more after the autopsy. What you read in so many articles is an undertone that perhaps he took his own life. I believe that police are also saying this wasn't a suicide, but that is less obvious in the news releases from them.

So, then I come back to the topic of stigma. An assumption that because Montador had struggled with deprssion and anxiety that people automatically assume or suspect suicide. To me, this speaks directly to stigma. Yes, many people that take their own life struggle with mental illness. But the reverse is not necessarily true. Many people with mental illness do not take their own lives.

So, why the automatic assumption? Why the questions? Why the thoughts? Stigma, ignorance, lack of understanding and I guess also the desire for an immediate explanation, even though there isn't one. The question in my mind is would the assumptions be there is he hadn't been open about his struggles with depression and anxiety?

Bullies

A Facebook friend was telling a story today about an adult bus driver bullying her 5-year old daughter, including berating her for crying after the adult had been yelling at her for awhile. Today someone at work sent me an email that had a not at all veiled threat in it. Not to my physical safety, but basically a "help me or I will go above you" threat. And I've been experiencing a lot of triggers and flashbacks to times in my life where I am been on the wrong end of bullies, especially one of my bosses at a previous workplace.

The thing is that so often what I see about bullying is aimed at helping the person on the wrong end of it cope
 There is little to help people stop the bully. My experience has shown that this is a particular problem in the work place. Instead of dealing with the inappropriate behaviour, it seems that managers are more inclined to try to find ways to make ot easier to deal with the bullying, but all this does is reinforce the idea that the target has done something wrong, when nothing could be further from the truth.

I know that is a lot of places paperwork needed to deal with inappropriate behaviour is ridiculous and I can see how that might deter people from addressing the issue. Managers can deal with the targets as there is no disciplinary or corrective action needed as they haven't done anything wrong. In almost every case of workplace bullying I have heard of it ends up being the target who moves on because no one will do enough about the buly to make the situation tolerable. This is just wrong.

Ok, so I am a bit all over the map tonight. Where do adults get off bullying children and then telling them that it is unacceptable behaviour? Where do adults get off bullying other adults and then shifting the blame to the one they are bullying? What makes a person think that being SO mean is an appropriate way to be in the world?

Found it

After I wrote my previous post last night I was still bothered by what it was that was really bothering me, what it really was that had set off the trigger reaction. For me, finding the source of things is essential to figuring out how to move forward. I knew it had to be something at work, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  The new job is hard, but there is really nothing about it that seemed to be the issue.

Today I found the source. It was something at work. There was something that happened last week where some people were very disrespectful to me, all in the name of helping me.  And that's the piece that felt familiar in a dangerous way. That's the piece that made my brain feel like I needed to go into protect mode. That's the piece I need to deal with. I know this is the piece because I feel calmer already, which is also the way my brain works. I do much better with the known than the unknown.  That's how the workplace bully tried to spin her ridiculous behaviour, that she was helping me. Ha, not.

This situation is different, and I somehow need to convince my brain of that.

Here we go again

It's been a tough week. I felt low and depressed all week. There are lots of things that come along with this: low energy, lots of sleep, lack of desire to eat even though I feel hungry and a reduced ability to problem solve. All things that feed the next and make me feel like I am in a never-ending circle. Add to that the stress of a new job and whoa.

It's been a scary week in some ways because my brain has gone to some dark places that it hasn't been to in a long time. I was driving around today and the thought occurred to me that it would be super easy to use my car to harm or kill myself. I didn't think it was a good idea, but it still scares me when I head down that road.

So, as I always do when I feel down, I started analyzing what is going on with me. Is there anything particular making me feel like this? It seems this time it is a mixture of things with the biggest one is trauma triggers. Again. Trauma really does mess with your head.

The new job is good and going well, and it is also causing all sorts of triggers for me. The same old feelings of needing to be perfect, of needing to be on top of everything all the time, of needing to never make a mistake, of feeling like the other shoe is going to drop any time. All of this because the traumatized part of my brain says that if I make a mistake or don't measure up to some crazy standard that I create that it is dangerous, that something awful and unsafe will happen to me. Because in the past it has. In more than one situation, but the work one is the one that has the most influence right now.

I can't convince some parts of my brain that the danger is over, that I am no longer in that situation and that those old ways of keeping myself safe are no longer useful.  That part of my brain takes the parts of this job that feel familiar to the traumatic situation and goes there, over and over again. The thing is the parts that are familiar are not bad at all and my current work situation is not dangerous.  And I have other, healthier ways to keep myself safe. I know so much more now than I did then.

Triggers really are tough. It's like reliving the same horror again and again. For me I think this is why I sleep so much when I feel depressed as it is relief from the horror and darkness. The usual things that make me feel better don't have the same effect either. For example I went swimming today, and while it helped a little it wasn't the same. My brain certainly hasn't got to a point of believing the danger s over. At times like this week it feels like it is lurking everywhere, even when rationally I know it is not. This kind of thing is crazy-making for me.

I generally don't like the expression "battling depression" as it makes me feel like I am battling myself and that feels horrible. This week though it has felt like a battled between logic and trauma, between rational and depression. And I can observe it, but I am also living it. No wonder I try to find relief.

I have no real idea of what to do with all this. I do know this though, realizing that this latest darkness has at least something to do with past trauma at least gives me a place to start.  I also know that there is a way through. I will confess though that today I wish it didn't feel so hard.

My Way

For the first time in a long time I am doing a little bit of Christmas decorating at my place, or as my mum called it putting my humbug away. And frankly she's right.

For a number of years I have tried to avoid Christmas and all that comes with it. The parts that I couldn't igmore made me anxious and more unhappy than I already felt. Why you might ask? I've asked myself the same question.  There was nothing particularly wrong with the Christmas celebrations in my life and really no obvious reason that I did my best to avoid it.

But there was a subtle reason. Depression. Complete and utter lack of ability to see why I was miserable and how to make things better. And a lack of self-esteem and confidence from depression and trauma.

I felt that to "properly" celebrate Christmas I needed to love every minute of it. I also felt that I had to keep up with some people in my life who love Christmas. Those people decorate their houses amazingly and do all the baking and hosting etc... I love that about them. But feeling like I had to keep up with them was paralyzing.

The depression and trauma also made it so I couldn't see that there was a choice to do things in a way that makes sense for me. I couldn't see that I had options, let alone figure out what those options were. And so I was a humbug. I thought I hated Christmas, well really for a few years I did. I always felt like I was letting someone down because I couldn't be the perfect Christmas person. My perceived expectations was impossible to meet and so I was miserable.

It's taken me a few years of feeling better to really get a handle on what makes sense to me and I am pretty sure this will evolve. This year though I put up a little tree, a stocking, a couple of decorations, and some outside lights. That is enough to make me happy. Not a lot of fuss, but enough to feel festive. Next year who knows?