It's Family Day weekend here where I live. I was thinking about previous Family Day weekends today. I have an up and down history with this weekend.
For a few years, a few years ago now, I worked at a place that was targeted for families and tourists. Family Day was always the busiest day of the year. Work was crazy... but not in a bad way. Mostly it was fun and time sure went fast. I was always tired at the end of the day and generally my voice wasn't doing so well.
5 years ago Family Day weekend was a totally different story. My life was a disaster. I had been dealing with a bully at least once a day and generally more than that. And I was still expected to be my normal self. I had such bad anxiety that I was barely sleeping. It had been 3 weeks of the bully when the family day weekend arrived. And I couldn't take it anymore.
So, I found myself at my parents house, a three hour drive away. I spent the whole weekend letting them take care of me, and crying. Now, I am one of those people that doesn't cry easily and at that time even harder to make me cry than it is now. I had no idea what to do to make things in my life better. I was scared and unable to cope. I didn't even know how to tell my parents about it really, but to their credit they did what they could, what I would let them, to be there for me and to help. To put it bluntly I was in crisis (it was about 3 weeks later when I very seriously considered killing myself).
When I think about how bad things were I am actually crying. Crying for how bad things were. Crying for how terrified I was. Crying for how long it took me to get help.
Funny though that was the weekend that ultimately would change things for me. That was the weekend I decided to move to the city my parents live in. Somewhere I knew I needed change, I needed help, I needed support. And, I knew that my parents and my sister were the people I needed to support me through that (add in my brother-in-law and nephews since then). It took my awhile to make the move happen and the crisis got worse in the meantime, but I did take action to make it happen.
When I look at how things are now, 5 years later, it's amazing to me. My life is so different. I have been learning to live with depression. I have come out. I have so many more tools to deal with things than I did then. I know myself so much better. I know a lot more about what is really important to me and I am making choices to honour that (including hanging out with my family this weekend and the only tears were those of laughter as my nephew is hilarious). My life is not perfect (frankly whose is?). My life is mine though. It is no longer horrible. I am no longer in crisis. For these things I am truly grateful this Family Day.
Sunday, 17 February 2013
Letting it go
I recently had a very interesting revelation about myself and how I have often dealt with negative emotions. I was talking to my mum and she was talking about how a lot of things that bother other people don't bother her. My thought was, how awesome, and how great that is.
As we were talking though, I realized that so often I have said I am not bothered by things. The thing is, for me, this isn't true. I do feel things, lots of things bother me. Instead of actually letting things go, or not being bothered, I have pretended I am ok when really all I have been doing is ignoring or repressing the emotion. Eventually, this made me feel like I had no right to feel my own emotions and was part of the cause of depression for me. I am only capable of burying emotions for so long and then it has a bad effect.
I've said many times I wouldn't let myself feel anything for a long time. While this is true, I am starting to see that it came from a place where I didn't feel like I had a right to feel anything. I shouldn't be bothered by things and if I am then there must be something wrong with me.
Seeing this is helping me figure out how to look at things differently. Emotions are what they are. If something bothers me, it bothers me. Period. No need to pretend it doesn't. What I do with it is much more important. It's ok to feel things. I have a right to my emotions. Lots of times the emotions are not worth holding on to. But, I need to acknowledge that they are there and figure out what to do with them, instead of pretending I don't feel anything. Often, letting the emotions go is the right thing to do, but when this is a conscious decision and not an automatic unhealthy pattern, what a huge difference it makes to how I feel about myself.
Feeling things isn't always fun, but it is a normal part of being me. Choosing what to do with the emotions instead of ignoring them away is a much healthier way for me to live.
As we were talking though, I realized that so often I have said I am not bothered by things. The thing is, for me, this isn't true. I do feel things, lots of things bother me. Instead of actually letting things go, or not being bothered, I have pretended I am ok when really all I have been doing is ignoring or repressing the emotion. Eventually, this made me feel like I had no right to feel my own emotions and was part of the cause of depression for me. I am only capable of burying emotions for so long and then it has a bad effect.
I've said many times I wouldn't let myself feel anything for a long time. While this is true, I am starting to see that it came from a place where I didn't feel like I had a right to feel anything. I shouldn't be bothered by things and if I am then there must be something wrong with me.
Seeing this is helping me figure out how to look at things differently. Emotions are what they are. If something bothers me, it bothers me. Period. No need to pretend it doesn't. What I do with it is much more important. It's ok to feel things. I have a right to my emotions. Lots of times the emotions are not worth holding on to. But, I need to acknowledge that they are there and figure out what to do with them, instead of pretending I don't feel anything. Often, letting the emotions go is the right thing to do, but when this is a conscious decision and not an automatic unhealthy pattern, what a huge difference it makes to how I feel about myself.
Feeling things isn't always fun, but it is a normal part of being me. Choosing what to do with the emotions instead of ignoring them away is a much healthier way for me to live.
Friday, 25 January 2013
Calm
The last week or so I have been feeling very calm, and awake. These are really 2 new things for me. I've been tired for a long time now... years really so it is so nice to feel like I can get enough sleep. And the calm feeling is amazing. Seems like my new meds really are making a difference.
I am really trying hard to use this time to work on some things that will help me in the long run. Things like paying attention to my emotions, thinking about what I want to be doing, making my place nice for me.
I feel like I am in a good place right now and I am celebrating that.
Friday, 4 January 2013
Lonely
Recently I have been feeling lonely. This is a fairly familiar feeling for me.
I have been living in my current city for 4.5 years now and I still feel like I don't really have a gang of friends. I know on some level it is unfair to judge myself based on this time frame as I have gone through a lot in the last few years and really am only now starting to figure some things out. But, it doesn't change the loneliness.
I have been on vacation for the last couple of weeks. My social life has really consisted of my family or of social groups I belong to (minus a couple of days visiting a friend where I used to live). This thing is, feeling on the edge of things has been so much of my life experience. The other thing is I'm pretty sure this is a consequence of depression.
Depression has been part of my life for so long. It coloured how I interacted with people. When I think of the few good friends I do have, they are from a certain couple of years when things were better. But since then, I have seen the world through darkness. It has been difficult to connect with people, in ways I don't really understand yet. I so often feel like I get to a certain stage in a relationship with others and then it stalls. Is it me? Is it them? Is it the kind of people I am drawn to? Am I scared to be vulnerable and so I make sure that I won't have to be? Is it a combination of things? All sorts of questions, good questions. But no answers.
I'm not sure what to do with this. The point of going to group therapy is to help with this. I can only hope it does.
I have been living in my current city for 4.5 years now and I still feel like I don't really have a gang of friends. I know on some level it is unfair to judge myself based on this time frame as I have gone through a lot in the last few years and really am only now starting to figure some things out. But, it doesn't change the loneliness.
I have been on vacation for the last couple of weeks. My social life has really consisted of my family or of social groups I belong to (minus a couple of days visiting a friend where I used to live). This thing is, feeling on the edge of things has been so much of my life experience. The other thing is I'm pretty sure this is a consequence of depression.
Depression has been part of my life for so long. It coloured how I interacted with people. When I think of the few good friends I do have, they are from a certain couple of years when things were better. But since then, I have seen the world through darkness. It has been difficult to connect with people, in ways I don't really understand yet. I so often feel like I get to a certain stage in a relationship with others and then it stalls. Is it me? Is it them? Is it the kind of people I am drawn to? Am I scared to be vulnerable and so I make sure that I won't have to be? Is it a combination of things? All sorts of questions, good questions. But no answers.
I'm not sure what to do with this. The point of going to group therapy is to help with this. I can only hope it does.
Sunday, 23 December 2012
2 years ago
Two years ago today I started taking anti-depressants. That was the day I finally accepted that I needed to do this in order to heal. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life.
Anniversaries seem to be the time we look back on what has been. The last two years have been one wild ride. I have reposted an article I wrote for the Globe and Mail about my life 2 years ago. When I remember that time, I cry. I was struggling so hard, and didn't know what to do, or really how to ask for help. I was so determined to do things on my own. That with a bit more work I would be fine.
The truth is I was scared to death. Scared to admit that I couldn't handle things. Scared to show any kind of vulnerability because I was convinced someone would use it against me and hurt me with it. Scared to keep going in the same way, and scared to make any kind of change. With all this I had such bad anxiety and I was having panic attacks regularly. I was at the bottom.
Now, what is my life like? Hmmmm, a whole lot better to say the least. I am learning my limitations. I am learning what I need to have a good life. To live with depression, instead of fighting it or running from it. Most days I can even forget about it, most days. Well, other than the pill I take.
I am not longer scared, at least not like I was. I know that things have to be different before they are better, so no matter how scary different feels, I am learning to trust it is the way to better.
I'm still an independent person, and always will be. But, I am also much more able to ask for help. This is good because at some point, going it alone is horrible.
I am grateful to all of you who read this blog. I am grateful for all of the people in my life who have been there for me. It's been a very difficult time for me. Coming to terms with what having depression means for my life has been difficult. Dealing with so much of the emotional baggage that I wasn't able to handle before has been hard, and rewarding at the same time.
For me, this journey isn't over. I have my doubts it will ever be. I am coming to understand that I can live my life in a way that means that depression will be a small part of it. But, I have to pay attention. I have to ensure that I make good choices. Without this, this risk of sliding to the bottom again is very real.
And so, I'll ask the people in my life to keep an eye on me.
This is the link to the article I wrote.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/parenting-facts-and-arguments/my-nephews-birth-gave-me-hope/article2040196/
Anniversaries seem to be the time we look back on what has been. The last two years have been one wild ride. I have reposted an article I wrote for the Globe and Mail about my life 2 years ago. When I remember that time, I cry. I was struggling so hard, and didn't know what to do, or really how to ask for help. I was so determined to do things on my own. That with a bit more work I would be fine.
The truth is I was scared to death. Scared to admit that I couldn't handle things. Scared to show any kind of vulnerability because I was convinced someone would use it against me and hurt me with it. Scared to keep going in the same way, and scared to make any kind of change. With all this I had such bad anxiety and I was having panic attacks regularly. I was at the bottom.
Now, what is my life like? Hmmmm, a whole lot better to say the least. I am learning my limitations. I am learning what I need to have a good life. To live with depression, instead of fighting it or running from it. Most days I can even forget about it, most days. Well, other than the pill I take.
I am not longer scared, at least not like I was. I know that things have to be different before they are better, so no matter how scary different feels, I am learning to trust it is the way to better.
I'm still an independent person, and always will be. But, I am also much more able to ask for help. This is good because at some point, going it alone is horrible.
I am grateful to all of you who read this blog. I am grateful for all of the people in my life who have been there for me. It's been a very difficult time for me. Coming to terms with what having depression means for my life has been difficult. Dealing with so much of the emotional baggage that I wasn't able to handle before has been hard, and rewarding at the same time.
For me, this journey isn't over. I have my doubts it will ever be. I am coming to understand that I can live my life in a way that means that depression will be a small part of it. But, I have to pay attention. I have to ensure that I make good choices. Without this, this risk of sliding to the bottom again is very real.
And so, I'll ask the people in my life to keep an eye on me.
This is the link to the article I wrote.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/parenting-facts-and-arguments/my-nephews-birth-gave-me-hope/article2040196/
Coming up for air
Since the end of September my job has been crazy nuts. I worked a tonne of overtime. For a few weeks in there it felt like all I did was work. The last few days it feels like I am coming up for air. I have sent emails to a few friends I haven't talked to forever. I have spent some time with my family. I have cleaned parts of my house. These seems like little things, but I didn't have the energy for so many of them for so long.
One thing I learned through all this is that working that much doesn't do me any favours. It is really hard on me in fact. There were a number of days in there that I really felt the depression on its way back. I am definitely exhausted. I am back to exhausted from burned out. I hit that wall with 6 work days left before the holiday.
I realize that I need balance in my life. It's not just a nice to have that I strive for. Yes, I can manage for a short while, but 3 months is too long. I need to get back to a place where I am mainly working 4 days a week. I know that without this balance I am very much at risk of needing to be off work again. This is certainly not my goal.
It is nice to come up for air. It gives me time to think about how to avoid being in this place again.
One thing I learned through all this is that working that much doesn't do me any favours. It is really hard on me in fact. There were a number of days in there that I really felt the depression on its way back. I am definitely exhausted. I am back to exhausted from burned out. I hit that wall with 6 work days left before the holiday.
I realize that I need balance in my life. It's not just a nice to have that I strive for. Yes, I can manage for a short while, but 3 months is too long. I need to get back to a place where I am mainly working 4 days a week. I know that without this balance I am very much at risk of needing to be off work again. This is certainly not my goal.
It is nice to come up for air. It gives me time to think about how to avoid being in this place again.
Monday, 17 December 2012
Christmas - my own way
This year I am enjoying Christmas time more than I have in as long as I can remember. Certainly as an adult. I've been trying to figure out what it is that is making things better. The answer is varied likely but there is one thing that stands out. I am enjoying Christmas my own way. I've finally stopped putting pressure on myself to enjoy it the way other people do, and feeling guilty because I wasn't.
My mum and my sister love Christmas. They love the decorations, the tree, the lights etc... I love this about them. The thing is I kept trying to be like them and I am not. I have never enjoyed decorating, so I don't. I don't put up lights either. I've stopped feeling like there is something wrong with me about this. Maybe some day I'll want to, but for now, I don't. And I don't feel like I am missing out.
I am doing some things this year that I do enjoy (a bit of a follow-up to last year). I am wearing antlers to work. I am working on creative ways to give gifts. As you can imagine, I also hate shopping. I am wrapping my gifts today, instead of waiting until next week. I am not worrying so much if the gifts are perfect. I believe the people they are for will like them.
I'm giving myself a break about not sending Christmas cards. Not that I ever have sent them, but I believe this is the first time I don't feel like I am not doing something I should.
The thing is, I am exploring ways that I can celebrate Christmas that I like. Over time this is bound to change. At least for now, I am finding ways to honour who I am and do the things that feed me.
My mum and my sister love Christmas. They love the decorations, the tree, the lights etc... I love this about them. The thing is I kept trying to be like them and I am not. I have never enjoyed decorating, so I don't. I don't put up lights either. I've stopped feeling like there is something wrong with me about this. Maybe some day I'll want to, but for now, I don't. And I don't feel like I am missing out.
I am doing some things this year that I do enjoy (a bit of a follow-up to last year). I am wearing antlers to work. I am working on creative ways to give gifts. As you can imagine, I also hate shopping. I am wrapping my gifts today, instead of waiting until next week. I am not worrying so much if the gifts are perfect. I believe the people they are for will like them.
I'm giving myself a break about not sending Christmas cards. Not that I ever have sent them, but I believe this is the first time I don't feel like I am not doing something I should.
The thing is, I am exploring ways that I can celebrate Christmas that I like. Over time this is bound to change. At least for now, I am finding ways to honour who I am and do the things that feed me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)