What depression feels like

Funny, now that I am feeling relatively better, there are times when I really want to describe what the bottom felt like.  Maybe it's because I can see now with a bit more clarity.

Life generally is full of ups and downs.  Some days are good, some days are bad and lots of days are pretty neutral.  With depression the neutral days feel like the most amazing thing in the world because almost all the time things are bad.  I felt so much like I was trying so hard to cope, so hard to be a good person, so hard to organize my life so that I would be happy.  And nothing, absolutely nothing made me feel any different about life. I felt down and numb and totally overwhelmed all the time.  I felt like I couldn't handle life.  In reality I couldn't actually.  And not because of lack of effort or want on my part, but because I wasn't able.

Honestly, I didn't really know there was a different way for me.  I felt like things would be a struggle always and would never get any better.  It's a terrible way to live, but it is not living, it is existing.  And barely at that.

But do you?

You know who you are
But do you?
You know what you think
But do you?
You know what you are proud of
But do you?
You know how you feel
But do you?
You know what you want
But do you?
You know what matters to you
But do you?
You know your own value
But do you?
You know what brings you joy
But do you?
You know what makes you sad
But do you?
You know who you are
But do you?

Community

Today it really registered for me how important it is to have people in our lives that are really in our lives.  People who know us and love us, people we know and love.  I was listening to two trans-gendered people (those who are (or have) transitioning from one gender to the other).  For me the jury is still out on how I feel about this, but what I do know is that it is a decision that comes with a lot of heartache.  These two people were talking about where how they came to the place of being trans-gendered and the supports they found.

Finding myself part of more than one group that is not always accepted by society (those with mental illness and gays/lesbians) I know more and more how very important it is to have people in my life that I can call community.  This journey for me has been rough in places.  In the end, the only way I can really live and be alive is to be true to myself (which I am sure the people telling their stories this morning would agree with).  I need people in my  life that will let me be who I need to be.

I am blessed in so many ways because I have these people.  My family has been great.  Many of my friends from before all the turmoil as still around and still want to be there.  I am also making new friends, ones that know these things about me up front and want to be friends anyhow.  These are the people I would call my community.

having depression

This week I felt like I have depression.  It's odd how much harder this seems after some weeks of not feeling like it at all.

For so long, having depression was just a fact of how I existed.  It wasn't good, but really I was so much in survival mode that I hardly noticed.  Now, when I have a week where I really feel it, really notice it, it's horrible. I am feeling a bit better today, thankfully.  It's scary to have a tough week because it feels a lot like, oh boy, here we go again.  Now that I have been out of the bottom for awhile, I have zero desire to go back there and anything that makes me feel like I might is hard to take.  It's hard to keep perspective.  It's a leap of faith that things are actually better and to believe that one bad day, or one bad week, won't lead to another and another and another.  It's a leap of faith to believe that the tools I have acquired won't let me down, that they will work.  It's a leap of faith to believe, really believe, that I am stronger, that I am going to be ok.

It often feels like leaping into the abyss.  I don't really know what will happen, how things will turn out.  All I know is things turning into depression, risk-taking turning out badly, being unhappy etc...  It's really hard to keep trying and believing I will be ok, that things are not going to turn out the way they used to.  Some days I think I have taken that leap of faith.  Other days, not so much.

Contradictions

So often how depression feels


I am strong
I am weak
I have hope
I feel despair
I will persevere
I want to give up
I see the point
I am better
I am sliding again
I see the light
I feel like I am back in the dark
Things are flowing
I am walking in quick sand
I am connected
I am disconnected
I am powerful
I am powerless
I am confident
I am insecure
I am brave
I am scared
I have courage
I can't do it
I am calm
I am anxious
I am bright
I am dark

Old habits die hard

Today was not a good day for the most part.  One of the things I tend to do is push myself too hard, until I crack.  Well last night I cracked.  I've felt the anxiety building for about 3 weeks not, but haven't stopped to do anything about it.

It's funny how I can know what I need to do to feel better, and yet I slide back into old habits quite easily.  Change doesn't come easy, it requires hard work and effort.  Sometimes it feels easier to not put in the work, but just let things go on the way they  always have.  In the moment it seems like the right thing to do.  And yet, I know the consequences.  Days like today, where I feel like I just can't cope anymore, like I don't want to keep trying.  Days where my energy, hope and motivation seem to be nil.

And yet... As my friend said to me tonight, I have tools now that I didn't used to have.  I took a sick day today and took care of myself, got some sleep, did some thinking and some writing.  I called my counsellor and made an appointment.  I went out with some lovely people this evening for some "therapizing" as they called it.  All things that I wouldn't have done at one point.  And so, as lousy as today has been in some ways, there is always hope.

The Road

I just watched the documentary "Darkness and Hope" by Michael Landsberg.  For those who don't know he is a sports broadcaster in Canada.  One of the lines of the movie was "it would be nice to say that depression is just a bump in the road, but for many of us it is the road for the rest of our lives".  this is a way I have chosen to think about this.  I don't want to feel like something is wrong if I can't  be cured.  Maybe I can, who knows.  But, I know that things will not be better without changes by me.  Part of this has been finding the things inside that make me feel lousy about myself.  Part of it is choosing everyday to live in a way that honours who I am.  Depression is part of who I am so I need to honour that part of me also.  If I am on this road for the rest of my life, then the lifestyle things that keep the darkness more or less at bay become even more important.  Knowing what all of these things are is important, and very challenging.  It's really a trial and error process.  If I do something and feel better or good, then probably worth putting energy to it.  Being aware and paying attention are very important.  I have days when I can't be bothered, but in the end, I usually notice that things are off.  Hopefully some of the things to do become more automatic and less work over time.

I want to live my life the best way I can.  That means doing what I need to do to be healthy, even if sometimes people don't understand that.