Rollercoaster

It's been one of those days with a lot of emotional ups and downs, which might explain why I am exhausted. There was a terrible happening in Calgary last night. 5 university students were stabbed to death by what looks like another student. It makes my heart ache to think of the pain this has caused to so many people.

My friend told me that her teenage daughter cut herself again yesterday. That just breaks my heart.

I had a job interview this morning and a mentally tough meeting this afternoon. Both were exhausting. I feel good about the interview. No idea if I will get the job, but I really feel like I did my best. It was a cool feeling to come out of there really not worrying about the outcome. The rest is out of my hands.

Then I was reading Twitter posts about Clara's Big Ride, which.is all about raising awareness about mental health. So inspiring. If you don't know, Canadian olympic medalist is riding her bike around Canada raising awareness. Pretty cool. She is coming here at the end of May. Knowing that people are out there doing what they can to make things easier makes me glad.

So a day where I have been very aware of my emotions. The awareness in and if itself makes me feel good and helps me to see the progress I have made.

Violence

I just heard someone outside my window saying "then I'll just beat her up". I didn't hear the rest of the conversation, but the way the guy said that made me think. It made me think about violence, and how it affects me.

I am very sensitive to it. I remember once at university someone came to class and her face was all swollen. It really affected me. I have also been so close to it myself. I was in a relationship once where I nearly hit someone. I can't watch the news because all the violence in our world has a major effect on me.

My counsellor said she thinks I am a very sensitive person. This makes sense to me. I am sensitive to the energy around me. Even hearing someone talking about beating someone up is difficult.

In the book "Rilla of Ingleside" one of the characters takes a long time to enlist. Not because he doesn't believe in the cause, but because he is so sensitive to the pain and ugliness of war. I relate to this feeling. I try hard to avoid the violence in the world, or at least seeing it as it affects me so deeply.

Seeing the World

I had an experience this afternoon that make me think about how people see the world. I had two things happen at work this afternoon, one good and one difficult. I told 2 people about them. I started with both of them with "I have good news and bad news". One wanted to hear the good news first and the other the bad news first. Interestingly, in my opinion, the one who wanted the good news first generally has a more positive outlook on life.

This experience got me thinking about how I see the world and also who I spend my time with. I want to see the world in a hopeful way. I know that one of the signs of depression is negativity, and I certainly see it in myself when I am struggling. But, when I am doing ok, how do I want to see the world?

I don't  want to see the world in a jaded and cynical way. I don't want to assume that the worst is going to happen. I want to be open to possibilities. But I also want to be real and authentic. For the most part I manage to see the world this way.

As for who I spend mmy time with... I certainly find myself drawn more and more to people who are generally hopeful and positive. This hasn't always been the case in my life, although at times it has. To me it is a sign of healing more than anything.

Asking

Today I did something at work that doesn't quite seem real, although I know it is. The details aren't important. Let's say that I stood up for myself about something that really isn't working for me. Nothing bad going on, just not right for me. It was a really hard thing for me to do, but I did it.

Not long ago there is no way I would have been able to say anything. I would have been paralyzed by fear. Fear of what people would think of me, or say to me. But today, I didn't let that stop me. I did what I needed to do for me. Wow.

My new counsellor always asks what certain actions say about me...so here goes. I am brave, I value myself enough to ask for what I want, I care about being happy in my work place.

So often I have placed no value on my own needs and wants. So often I have let fear rule the day. Today I took my courage and used it.

Complaining

It is always interesting going back to work after a week of vacation. When I went in today I was feeling very mellow. I figured out what I needed to do and had a productive day.

I realized something though. People are wired to complain. I didn't care to hear the gossip or how someone wasn't doing what someone else thought they should do, and yet that is a lot of what I heard about. So much of the negative side of what happened while I was away.

Interestingly, this is stuff that I really don't ever care about and yet I find it so easy to get drawn into it. There is an allure to the gossip and focussing on the negative.

As I have been away from work a lot lately (mainly because I was so sick with a cold and the flu, but also vacation) I have noticed how much work affects me. I realized today that there is a lot of negative energy in my work place. Not everyone is negative to be sure, but a lot of people are. As I take in so much of the energy around me, I have certainly been taking in the negativity.

So now, the question is, how to manage going forward? So many of the circumstances that are leading to the negativity are not going away any time soon, and some people see the negative. It's just who they are. I am not too sure what to do, but hopefully I can find something that will help me.

The Flip Side

Today I we to again to see my new counselor. The session got me thinking about some things. So much of the therapy I have been in has been about exploring the hard stuff. This was very useful for me. But, it doesn't feel useful anymore. Thankfully this counselor is good with that.

I got to thinking that mayne it is time to think about the good stuff. I am afraid to go there though. Afraid that if I tell people I am starting to feel better that they will stop paying attention, stop asking how I am. The truth is that good or bad I still need places to talk stuff out sometimes. I need to keep paying attention to how I am doing. That is a huge part of why things are slowly getting better.

So, the good stuff. I realized today how many things I do differently now. I advocate for myself. I have learned where a healthy boundary is for me between caring about doing a good job at my job and giving way too much of myself. I have tackled some incredibly difficult things. I found my way out of some really bad situations. I have been courageous in learning to live with depression. I have been courageous in tackling my trauma and the after effects. I care about myself and sometimes I even act like it.

Ruts

Being stuck in a rut is no fun.  I know this in a literal sense from years of living in Edmonton.  More often than not at some point in the winter, the street I lived on would be a one-way street and you could only drive in the ruts.  It was often interesting as I had a small car and usually fairly bald tires.  I knew as long as I kept moving and kept in the ruts, I would be fine.  But then there would come a time when I would have to get out of the rut to get where I needed to go.  It was sometimes challenging, but over time I learned exactly how to hit the gas, turn the wheel, hold my tongue and close my eyes.  I got rather good at getting out of the ruts over time.

Lately I have been stuck in a rut, and it definitely isn't leading where I need to go.  The rut was my life.  Go to work, come home, stare at my computer and play silly games and feel sorry for myself, go to bed, maybe sleep if I was lucky, get up and repeat.  Day after day.  Once in while I would do something different, but it was generally the same.  I can see now that this rut was sucking the life out of me.  I wasn't doing anything I really enjoyed, I wasn't really engaged in my life.  I was in a role at work that I wasn't enjoying (which, thankfully is over now), and when I got home I didn't do anything to feed my soul.

I didn't even really notice I was in a rut until it was too late.  By then I thought I had no idea how to get out of it, like I was stuck there and depression set in again.  This starts the vicious circle as depression makes it hard to problem-solve, and to be creative.  Seeing a new counselor helped me some.  It made me start to pay attention to what was going on with me again.  Eventually I saw the rut.

What I had trouble remembering is that I know how to get out of it.  Do something, anything, differently.  Read a book, draw a picture, do a cross-word puzzle, do a jigsaw puzzle. Whatever it takes to change things up, even a little.  That is the way out. That is how it is done.  It doesn't have to be fancy, it doesn't have to be big, just remember that I know the way, I know how to get out of the rut.

And so, I bought 5 jigsaw puzzles.  You can see the first one in the last post.  A picture of the second is attached below.  This one went pretty fast as I have been home sick with the flu for the last week.

Doing the jigsaws has been helping.  I have also watched 2 movies and read 3 books this week.  I went 4 days without turning on my computer.  I used my tablet, but when I am using the tablet I am way less likely to spend a long time on it.

So, how do I feel now?  Still down, still not great.  But, better.  At least I feel like I am doing something and I don't feel so stuck.