Running Away

Today I felt the urge to run away.  From my job, from depression, from anything hard in my life.  Just run away from it all.  The urge is familiar to me.  I have spent a lot of time in my life hopping around, job to job particularly.  Some of this was because jobs got boring, but often it was because I didn't know how to cope with the situation at hand so I left.  Just having the urge to run made me realize that I need to sort through some stuff.  It also scared me.  Anything that feels like depression scares me as I don't want to go back to that place where life is awful, all the time.

The thing I have come to learn is that some situations you need to leave.  Absolutely, positively without a doubt.  Leaving my last job was exactly the right thing to do.  The environment there was toxic for me and no matter how much I tried I don't think it would have been a lot better.  But often running away doesn't really change things.  When I haven't changed then changing the situation hasn't helped in the long run.  In the short run it is great, but old patterns die hard.

Work was hard emotionally today.  So I want to run. The thing is that it is a good place to work for the most part.  There are some dynamics right now that are challenging, but the project will be over in a few months.  Is it worth the whole upheaval of running and finding something new for that?  No.  But dealing with things is hard and tiring also.  Finding new ways to manage and cope is tough and requires so much energy (which might explain why I have been feeling so tired lately).  I don't like difficult emotions, but then again who does?

The shrinking bubble

I was talking tonight at group about how for the last over year and a half I have really been insulating myself in a bubble in order to heal.  I've been focusing on that and letting other things fall off to the side.  This has been good for the most part, and definitely something I needed to do.  But, I said something about the bubble starting to feel small.  As I said it, I realized how true it was.

I've known this for awhile I guess.  But much of it came to light for me this week when I exchanged some difficult emails with a friend.  And so, I now am more aware that I need to get back into the world.  One of the biggest challenges I see is finding a way to integrate some of my life before with my life now.  I was hiding from myself and doing everything I could to be someone else.  But, not everything was bad.  There are good people in my life from then.  Good people that I don't want out of my life.  And yet, I can't have them in my life in the same way.

It dawns on me as I write this that I am scared.  Scared that being around the same people will put me in a place to continue the same old habits that are bad for me.  Scared that I won't be able to find different ways to relate to people that I have known for awhile.  Scared of not being able to cope or manage or be ok.  This is likely not fair to those people, but it is how I feel.  It makes me sad also to think that I am scared of relating to some people that have always been such good friends.

As hard as it may be, I am not willing to let some people go without trying to find a way through this.  I need to have patience with myself and ask my friends to do the same.  I am learning new ways of being and relating, new ways that are so much healthier for me.

Tough night

The counselor who suggested that I go to group therapy warned me that it was not for the faint of heart. She was right.  Tonight was tough.  Figuring out your emotions, or changing your relationship with your emotions, is hard. It means really trying to be aware of what is going on inside you, of what you feel and what you think.  I hit a tough spot with some emotions today.

Joy, Peace, Happiness

At the end of this week I had a moment where life was good, pure good. I felt joy, peace and happiness all at once.  These are emotions that were foreign to me for so long.  People would talk about them and I thought I understood.  But really I had no idea.  My idea at the time of a happy time was one where I was ok enough to smile.  Basically not horrible days were good days for me.

Now, when something happens and I feel so good, it's amazing and a bit overwhelming all at the same time.  These moments were missing in my life for years.  I can hardly believe that they are part of my life now.  For me, it takes courage to let myself stay in those moments, to enjoy, to feel good.  In order to feel the good, you have to feel the bad.  When you feel the bad, you can show cracks in your armour, and people might take advantage of that.  At least this was my thought process.  The trick is to realize that there are cracks in my armour, I am not perfect, and I don't need to be.  If people take advantage of my vulnerabilities, then it's up to me to decide how to react to that.  I don't have to let them "win".

I'm going to continue letting myself feel whatever I feel.  It's the only way to really feel alive.

Risk

Tonight at group therapy we were talking about risk taking.  Changing habits, changing coping mechanisms, changing patterns is scary.  Even when we know that the way we do things isn't healthy.

It dawned on me tonight how much this blog has helped me learn to take some of those risks.  When I started writing it I really wanted to find a way to articulate what was going on with me.  The only way to do that is to be honest and take some risks.  It was so hard to tell people about the blog, to let people see how much I was struggling.  I am so grateful to have done it though.  There are so many things that I have either found a way through, or risked telling people at all.  This has been huge in my process of healing.

I can see when I go to group that talking about a number of things doesn't feel risky to me, anymore.  I have worked hard to be ok with so many things about myself and so telling them isn't so bad.  Exploring some of my actions and reactions in a group setting is hard, but not as hard as it once would have been.

My place

I was doing some writing tonight (that I can't put on the internet) and came up with a line that really struck me.

Being me and finding my place in the world, instead of finding a place and being whoever I need to to make it work.

This is exactly what I have been striving for in my journey to learn to live with depression.  In some ways I am there, in others I have a long way to go.  Today I feel like the journey is important and worthwhile.

Covering old ground

It's been a tough weekend in may ways.  I was thinking the other day about what I want in life and the old thought of "who am I to deserve to want anything?" came to mind again.  It would be ok if it was only a thought, but it is not.  I thought I was finished with this idea.  Guess not.  I find myself feeling completely insecure again and so unsure of myself.  I'm not entirely sure why or where this is coming from.  Work to do.