The World in Shades of Grey

Not long ago I would have told you about many absolutes in my life, many things that were black and white. But, recently, more and more I have been finding myself in situations where those absolutes don't work.  I try to make decisions on the absolutes and I am unable to.

I remember often feeling like there must be more to the world than some of the black and white around.  Yet, I was running so hard from who I was, hiding my true self so much, and so scared that it might get revealed, even to me, that I bought into the absolutes.  Or at least I convinced myself I did.

It's scary to start to see that a lot of things I believed were true, no longer seem true to me.  The absolutes are things to base my life on, a foundation.  It feels like my foundation is gone, or pretty much.  I don't really know where I stand, or what is true anymore.  The one thing I do know I guess is that living with absolutes that don't fit who I really am is worse than this completely unsettled feeling I have now.  I have an opportunity to figure out what I want to base my life on.  What really is important to me and what I believe to  be true.  Scary, unsettling.  But in the end, the only way I can see to go forward without going back into my hiding place, and I don't want to do that.

Themes

Day 2 of group therapy was better.  I was way less anxious, and I even dared say a few things.  Nothing too personal, but still, I did talk.  And, I'm able to write about some learnings so that is also a good sign.l

I was struck tonight that no matter who we are, or how we got to be in the group, or what contexts we face so many of the themes are the same. Self-worth, self-care, feeling trapped, being stuck, the consequences of being in survival mode, not knowing how to constructively say what we feel, not feeling like we can stand up for ourselves, sacrificing our own needs and wants for other people.

Funny, because I know all of these.  I have, and am still, working on how all of these things are a part of my life.  Where to find the balance between the parts of me that care for other people, and yet not sacrificing myself to care about them.  It's a challenge for me.

Playing by the Rules... or Not

I have spent so much of my life playing by the rules.  Never taking risks, being afraid of the potential for things to go wrong.  Feeling like I never fit in anywhere.  Feeling my soul shriveling day by day.

Sometimes the rules are stupid.  Sometimes the rules make sense for some people and not for others.  Sometimes not risking doing things differently has far greater consequences that taking a risk and having things go wrong.  Playing by other peoples rules led me to a place where I wanted to end my own life.  It led me to a place where I could never see things getting better.  And I always, always felt like it wasn't really me.  And so now, I need to find my own rules.  I need to take the risks I need to take.  I need to judge myself on trying, rather than on results.  Risk comes with potential upside and downside.  I understand that.  Making my own rules is important.  Taking risks is important for me to feel whole.  Being myself, my whole self really matters.

I'm overwhelmed by the freedom of this revelation, and scared by the possibilities.  It won't always be easy.   But, feeling on the outside of things and not really understanding why is not easy either.  At least if I can better understand what I need and want, I can choose to be on the outside, instead of being unhappy about it.

Rough evening and growth

Tonight I feel pretty low.  I'm pretty sure it's an after effect of too much anxiety this week.  Between starting group therapy, having a mouse in my place, and some stress at work, my brain just can't cope anymore.  Well, and the fact that I am still new at coping with these things in a healthy way, instead of my old coping mechanisms.  It's moments like this that leave me feeling weak, fragile and fallible.  I'm struggling to think of good ways to cope, and ways to be gentle with myself.

Rationally I know it's now as bad as it used to be, but sadly I don't feel that way.  Instead of wallowing, I did some yoga, I'm writing a blog and I will do some personal writing after I write this.  These are things I wouldn't have done before.  So, I will hold onto the hope that I have learned some things and can handle this, and handle it in a good way.  For now, some writing.

Afterwards

Well, I survived my first group therapy session.  It was interesting.  There are a total of 6 women in the group, plus the psychologist as the facilitator.  I didn't say much this week.  Takes a bit to learn the unwritten rules of a group.  But, I'll get there.  Everyone is there for their own reasons.  Some have been there a relatively short time, others for a few years.

My experience of it?  Anxiety is the only good word to use.  I was anxious the whole time I was there and have been anxious ever since.  I know this will be good for me in the end, but it is rather scary in the mean time.  Who knows what I will discover about myself?

Nerves and more nerves

Tomorrow I am going to start going to group therapy. I'm nervous.  Truthfully, I'm pretty scared.  I'm not entirely sure what to expect.  This has been a long time coming.  I first talked to the psychologist about it in March. Due to a lot of factors, tomorrow is the day.

Since March I have talked myself in and out of it about 100 times.  But, I do believe that it will be good for me.  As far as I can tell, it takes being in a better place in order for it to be helpful, so here I am feeling better to a point.  And now, I will try something new.  Even as I write this I have a knot in my stomach.

I need to remember to take my whole self into the room tomorrow.  Not just the crazy nervous me.  I need to remember that the other people in the group have been where I am.  They were new once also.

This and that

When I logged on today to write this blog, I realized that it has been more than 3 weeks since I last wrote one.  A good sign to be sure.  The desperate need to sort out what is going on with me is waning some.

It's been a month of good things.  Time with family and friends.  Vacation.  A few dates as well.  Some dodgeball, and the great people I continue to meet that way.  Many times I have found myself just being... just being in the moment and living life.  It's an incredible feeling.  It's so nice to be able to live and feel alive.

It's been a month of challenges.  Some things to think about and process.  How to manage stressful situations without losing it.  How to deal with people that challenge me.  How to take care of myself when there is so much pressure around me to do things differently.  The thing with all of this is that I am learning.  It's not always easy and I don't always react the way I would want to... but I am learning.

Learning that if I don't take care of myself, eventually none of the pressure will matter because I won't be able to handle it.  Learning that there are just some things in my life that have to be non-negotiable.  Like sleep and exercise and eating right.  It's doesn't take very long for a lack of these things to make me feel like I can't cope.

Random thoughts for today.