One Year - How Things Change

I've been thinking about the first week of June one year ago, and how it seems so long ago, and also just like yesterday.  Last year I was in Toronto for a holiday in early June.  And, I was miserable.  I was in the middle of a major depressive episode.  On the surface, I did fun things while I was away, and underneath I didn't enjoy any of it.

Shortly before going I had been thinking of ending my own life.  I'd also been to the doctor, who upped the dosage on my meds.  She gave me a depression test.  5 and under is a healthy score.  I scored 20.  In the end, I went away on vacation and didn't go back to work for over 2 months.  And then, gradually upping my hours over the next 4 months.

In so many ways it seems like only yesterday that I was off work on medical leave, that I was sleeping, and sleeping and sleeping... and a bit of knitting, a bit of cycling, and then some more sleeping.  Thank goodness for one of my friends who is a teacher.  Once the school year was over, she got me out cycling with her, so at least I was doing something.  It was a tough time in my life.  It's been about 5 months now that things seem to be better.

In other ways, it seems so long ago.  I feel like a totally different person, again.  Being in place of recovery really is amazing, and I am thankful for it.  It amazes me that one year can make such a huge difference in how I feel about myself, and how I see the world.

Outward Change

My friend told me this weekend I am like a completely different person. Actually, she has told me this before (also recently).  My doctor said a similar thing to me this past week.It's interesting to me to know how people perceive me, and the difference between when I am struggling with depression and when I am well.

What does my friend see? Energy is the word she used.  I can see how this is true.  I feel it.  Energy to care about life. Energy to stop by and see my friend (after she broke her leg).  Energy to live instead of exist.

It is nice that those around me see a change.  Honestly though, even if they didn't, I know it is there.  I have worked so hard to get to this place, it is certainly hard-earned.  And I am proud of that.  For not giving up even when it seemed like there was an endless string of things to deal with.  Not giving up when it seemed that things were hopeless.  I just kept trying.  And now, I am going to reap the rewards of that and live, really live.

About Me

After sharing my story a few times at work now, I am noticing a few trends.  First, it is awesome to be a part of something that is making things better when it comes to stigma.  Secondly, by starting the conversation, I am allowing other people to talk.  Third, by being the person who opens up first, I am now seen as a person other people can confide it.

It's the third trend I want to write about here.  I remember when Clara Hughes did her Big Ride a few years ago.  She said after the first few stops she has to stop being the star of the presentation and rely more on the hosts because it was all just too much for her.  Being nearer the end, I was disappointed, and also glad she was finding ways to take care.

I understand even better now what she was referring to.  I am always glad to be able to listen to other people, and glad they feel like they have a place to talk.  It's hard on me though.  I am a Highly Sensitive Person, which means I feel other peoples' emotions with them.  When talking about their hard stuff, I feel it all with them.  Also, often, they are emotions and challenges I can relate to, as I have been there.

Often, these conversations, along with the talk in the first place, take me back to the hard places I am been.  And, in a lot of ways, I re-live the feelings I had then.  Fear, desperation, anxiety, hopelessness.  These are difficult emotions for me to process, even now.

Sharing my story in this way is a new adventure for me and I am still trying to work it all out.  I am glad to be doing it, and the difficult parts of it won't deter me.  I do need to make sure I find a way to take care of me.

One way is to go see my counsellor.  It is the one place I can go where it is all about me.  I don't have to worry about what she is thinking, or letting her have much air space. Yesterday this is exactly what I needed.

Moving forward, I will find my way.  Not sure what the path looks like yet though.

Mental Health Week 2017

It is Mental Health Week here in Canada this week.  I have done two big things.  Firstly, I joined a blogging challenge.  I have said I will write one post a week for the month of May.  Since it has been nearly a year since the last post, this might be a challenge.

The other thing I did was to put on a lunch and learn at work this week.  I recently joined an organization, through work, of people who will share their lived experience with mental illness.  I did just this on Thursday this week.  It is the 4th time I have done this, although the first time where I opened it up to anyone in the organization who wanted to come.  I had about 30 people altogether, including my boss, his boss, her boss and his boss. Basically my direct line to the Chief Operating Officer (who was there). Amazing.

All of the times I  have given my talk, the same thing has happened and it is so cool.  When I am done talking, I through it open to the audience for questions and comments... and every time people have talked.  Some about their own experience, some asking questions to try to find ways to help, either in their personal or professional lives.  I basically talk for 1/2 hour and then listen for 1/2 hour.
Someone who heard me talk the first time said she hoped I knew what I am was doing with these talks.  Her message is that I am giving people permission to talk by being vulnerable myself in the first place.  It's true. And always the "me too" from one or more people in the audience, either publicly or just to me.  Either way, they are talking about it.  After I give my talk, I get lots of bravos, which is nice.  The main reward for me though is watching other people get out of their silence. I have started saying that if you want to get a good feel for the mental health of an organization, ask the people who are most vocal about it.  I know an awful lot of information about this.  (Of course I would never tell other peoples' stories).

Stigma certainly still exists in places.  I am so thankful to be able to do something concrete to break it down in the places I have influence.

Talk more and more and more

I've been reading posts on an online site about mental health in the workplace.  The posts started by someone talking about wanting to move to 4 days a week from 5 for their mental health.  I did this nearly 4 years ago.  The advice on the site is all about talking to human rights or mental health association etc... first to find out your rights before broaching it with an employer.  There is also someone who wrote about taking some sick time and then being fired as soon as she got back to work.

All of this makes me sad, really sad.  I'm glad my experience was so different, my employer was very supportive and I really haven't had a lot of trouble at all.  I know that this is not the same in so many places and that makes me sad.  Honestly, I am a WAY better employee at 4 days a week.  And, in my view, it's a win-win.  I get paid 80% of my full-time salary and I have about a 90% workload.  It's a trade-off I accept to have the day off.  The thing that is so wrong about this is that if it were a physical disability, the advice would probably be very different.  Sigh.

It says to me we need to continue talking and talking and talking and talking.  If people are having these kinds of experiences then there is so much more education to do out there.  Mental illness is not something to be afraid of.  And people with mental illnesses can be productive and valuable to organizations.  Sometimes we need a little accommodation, but then how is that different from people with physical disabilities, or people with kids who need to vary their work hours to manage that, or people who have spouses or siblings or parents they care for and need to vary their work hours?  We all have lives outside work that need to be dealt with, it really makes be sad and angry that mental illness is not  just one thing on the list, but seems to be different somehow.

Finding that Place

I've been struggling in the last 3 weeks or so, to the point where a few people have asked me if I am ok.  Lots of reason for it.  I decided today that I needed to do something different to regain my balance.  So, I read this blog from start to finish.  All 5+ years of it.  And, I am amazed.  

Amazed at my own strength, perseverance and determination.  Amazed at where I started and where I am now in comparison to that.  Amazed at the themes that are recurring, like the current challenges of taking in the stress and negativity around me, and the things that haven't changed.  

And one of the biggest things that has changed.  So much of what challenged me in the beginning was my own belief that I didn't merit or deserve any of the good things in life.  I didn't believe that I had any right to stand up for what I needed and that I just had to accept the thing that went on around me, even when they were harmful to me.  This is honestly not the thing I struggle with the most any more.  I no longer feel invisible, I no longer feel like I have no place in the world.  I have found my place and I take it up.

I also have been able to find the place where I am generally aware of how I feel and what is going on with me.  For so long I had no idea of what I was feeling and what I needed in life.

The things I continue to be challenged by are feeling others emotions and energy too much and letting myself get to the place where I won't ask for help when I need it.   I still tend to hide when things aren't good, when a conversation with someone probably would be better.

I am reminded that doing nice things for me is good, and that taking care of my mental health is what matters the most.  I am reminded of the people that are in my corner, that love me and who I love.

I am reminded of my own courage, resilience, bravery and strength.  Depression really did put me through the wringer, and I really have come out the other side.  Unscathed? No.  A different stronger person? Yes.  I am not sure I have regained my balance, I think Tuesday at work will be telling.  What I have regained is some peace.

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Mental Health Week 2016

It's Mental Health Week this week.  Before the week started I had plans to do some research, to be active, to share my story, to participate.  Then, a major natural disaster and human tragedy happened in my province.  A major wildfire that caused the evacuation of Fort McMurray.  And I had to rethink what my week would be.

I am a sensitive person/empath.  This means that I take in a lot of the emotions of those around me.  I watched a whole city evacuated, watched  videos of people literally driving through the fire to get to safety, heard stories of people seeing their house catch fire in the rear view mirror as they drove away, heard of people having to flee on foot because the roads were not big enough to get everyone out in the time they had.  And I felt the fear, the stress, the anxiety, the sadness.

These are not my emotions to feel, this is not my tragedy, and yet empathy and compassion run deep with me.  And so, I needed to  find ways to take care of myself, to do what I need to for my own mental health.  It meant at some point taking a break from the news and social media, it meant talking to people about my emotions, it meant taking time to figure out, once again which emotions are mine and which are other peoples.  And it meant knowing that that was more important right now than all the things I would have liked to do for Mental Health Week.

Working for a end to stigma will still be there when I am able to work to that end again.  And by the sheer fact that I am writing this blog post, I am getting there again.

And so, for Mental Health Week I ask you, what are you doing  today to take care of your mental health?

A Better World

Tragedy, disaster, difficulty.  These things bring out the best and the worst in people.  There is a wild fire raging in Fort McMurray right now.  The whole city, around 88,000 people, is evacuated and a lot of the city has been burned to the ground.  Many residents fled, rather than evacuated, many with only the shirts on their backs, some on foot because there was too much traffic for everyone to get out safely.  Amazingly everyone was evacuated safely, sadly 2 people died in a car crash once they had made their way to safety.

As the days pass things are still uncertain.  The fire is still burning out of control, the weather forecast is for hot, dry and windy.  The city itself is located in a isolated area.  There is only one access road, it goes north to oilsands operations and camps, and a few small communities, it goes south to Edmonton, which is over 400 km away.  Many people evacuated north to get away from the fire, today they will be convoyed back through the city, through the heart of the fire and on their way to Edmonton or Calgary where there are more resources to support them.

In many cases this has brought out the best in people.  Random people loading their trucks in Edmonton with gas, water, food, diapers etc... and driving up the highway to the people who were stranded because they ran out of gas.  The gas station in Wandering River (2ish hours south of Fort McMurray) walking the line-up to make sure people had enough gas to make it to the station to fill up, people picking people up on the side of the road to give them a lift etc etc...  Small communities taking in as many people as they can, some only to be evacuated themselves the next day.  I have seen this spirit in other disasters in Alberta.  This is a province of "can-do".  This reaction makes me proud, and brings tears to my eyes.

The disaster has also brought out the worst in some people.  A year ago Alberta elected an NDP government, after decades of Conservatives.  Many people in this province do not like this government.  People are taking this opportunity to send horrible tweets etc to the Premier blaming her for everything under the sun, including this fire.  Ok, so since when does the government control the weather?  The winter was dry and warm, spring came early along with hot, dry and windy weather.

The oilsands are, in some areas, a controversial industry.  People (and one an Alberta politician) have posted on social media saying this fire is karma for the oilsands industry.  This makes me sick.  So often the reasoning behind not wanting the oilsands is that the industry is bad for the environment, which in turn is bad for people.  So, how do you say this out of one side of your mouth and then, almost, rejoice when people lost everything, including major portions of the city where they live.

Honestly, it is unfathomable to me that people would use a tragic disaster to spout such hateful rhetoric.

How is that caring about people?  What ever happened to compassion, empathy, understanding that people are people?  What ever happened to respect?  To me, this is important components of making the world a better place, and without them, nothing you say or do under the guise of making things better has very much meaning to me.

And so to those who are doing their utmost to help, I thank and salute you.  To those who are showing their true colours, I have nothing to say.

What really matters

What really matters in life?  And how do we live lives that honour those things?  In the professional circles I move in, it would be easy to believe that work is the only thing that matters and that other things are secondary.  So many people I have come across have the attitude that the work you do is what defines you.  The attitude of always going for the next promotion, professional and career growth being the only things to strive for.  (Note that this is not everyone, but it is the prevailing attitude).

At my work right now there is a lot of change going on and it is certainly taking its toll on a number of people.  People I have worked with for a number of years, whom I know to be smart, considerate, thoughtful and resilient, basically all the things you would want in a good leader, are starting to crack.  The stress is getting to them, and as one person put it, there is no light at the end of the tunnel for the pressure she is facing.

There is a lot of change going on in my own team as well.  Different bosses, different priorities, different tasks and different expectations.  A work environment that takes  a different way of thinking and some resiliency to manage it.  Or does it?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what really matters in life.  In the last couple of years I have been in a steady state in my recovery from depression.  A number of small ups and downs, but nothing too drastic.  I'm glad for this and yet it has left me feeling restless.  It has left me thinking a lot about what I want from this short life.  I spent a number of years existing, permanently suspended in survival mode.  Then I spent the better part of the  last 5 years getting better.  Getting to a place where depression and recovery weren't the main parts of my life.  And so now, I wonder what is the next phase?

Someone I know, in his mid-50's, is right now very sick with cancer, and the news just keeps getting worse.  I am so sad for him.  There is not a lot I can do for him, but it does, once again remind me that things happen in life that we are not expecting.  We can plan our lives all we want, but life doesn't always unfold the way we expect.  We may not have the time to do all the things we think.

So, where does that leave me now?  Well, one thing is that I am reminded again that work is not what defines me.  I like my job well enough, but it is not the be all, end all for me.  This makes it easier to handle all of the change going on.  Hopefully, it will also help me not to take on all of the stress, worry and negativity around me.  This is always a challenge for me, but if I can find a way to remind myself of what really matters, it should be easier.

And what about the next phase?  I find that I have a pretty good handle on what it is that I value and what I want, now I need to evaluate the aspects of my life and ensure that all of them are congruent with who I am and who I want to be.  If not, I need to make changes.  I have worked hard to come to this  place of recovery that I am in.  It is time to reap the benefits.  I need to listen to the restless feeling and pay attention to how I live my life.

Other peoples' energy

Yesterday I went to the pool before work.  This is becoming one of my favourite things to do.  I find it to be a good way to start the day in a calmer head space.  As I was getting ready to swim a woman, that I will call the tornado, came into the locker room.  I was moving at a reasonable pace.  She came in at a frenetic pace, hence the name the tornado.

After a minute or so, I noticed I was starting to feel anxious and like I needed to be rushing myself into the pool.  I was starting to take on the frenetic energy of the woman next to me.  Yesterday I noticed it and managed to remind myself that that was her energy and I didn't have to take it on.

I don't always see myself taking on others peoples' energy that quickly.  I am sensitive to the mood and energy around me.  When there is a lot of stress of negativity going on around me, I feel it.  When I am around people that are sad, I feel it.  My counsellor calls it a "Highly Sensitive Person", my friend calls it an empath.  Same thing as far as I can tell, the difference being the angle you come at it from.  Basically it means feeling other peoples' emotions right along with them.  The thing that is hard about this is being able to see what belongs inside and what belongs outside of you.  It means learning to empathize with other people and then give them their emotions back and moving on with your day.  This is not an easy thing for me to do.

The moment yesterday when I saw myself starting to feel the tornados' emotions was a good moment for me.  I was able to see what impact it was having on me before it became difficult to differentiate her emotions from mine.  And so, progress.

A Visual

This is mental illness for me.  Especially before, and in the early days of, treatment... and on my bad days now.

Lessons

I had my nephews over for the day yesterday, which is always a fun time.  We spent some time at the park/playground in the afternoon.  It was about -10C and there is a lot of snow around, so the playground equipment was slippery.  My three-year old nephew loves to climb things, pretty much any time, anywhere and yesterday was no exception.  Climbing in boots and snow pants is not as easy as climbing in the summer though.  He was determined and made it up many a climbing structure. He did some slipping around and fell a number of times, none of which phased him.

At one point he was climbing and slipped and fell quite a distance, at least for him.  He hit the ground, took a second and then stood up, looked at me and said, "Auntie, I didn't make it."  He then ran off to climb something else.  The only time he fussed the whole time was when he bashed his nose into his brother's back, and then a kiss from me was all it took.

My five-year old nephew had surgery on his knee in November.  After nearly six weeks of not putting any weight on it, he has been walking again for just over two.  He is limping still, and it is evident at times that his leg is tired.  At the playground he was running around and climbing things along with his brother.  He slipped and fell a number of times also.  Nearly every time he fell down he started laughing, finding the whole thing hilarious.  He made it up a number of structure also.  The only time he fussed was when he was wrestling with his brother and his bad knee got bent faster than he was used to.  This hurt for a bit.  Then, as soon as he was able, he was up and running and climbing again.

These lovely creatures showed me some great lessons yesterday.  The first is that it is okay if something doesn't work out the way you want it to.  You can get up, say "I didn't make it", and then be off on the next adventure, leaving the thing that didn't work out behind.  Sometimes there are lessons to take along, sometimes it is just better to know that you tried your best and move on.

It is okay also to admit when something hurts you, and take the time to heal the hurt.  Take time to rest and let the hurt heal (be it emotional, spiritual, physical etc...).  Once the pain is bearable, you get up and move on to the next thing because life is too interesting to stay where you are.

And now the link to mental health.  I think both of the lessons shown to me by my nephews yesterday are important to remember to cultivate mental health.  Too often I have spent time berating myself because something didn't work out as planned.  Too often, especially in the midst of depression, I was unable to find a way to heal the hurt and to move past it, nor was I able to find life interesting.  Remembering to let myself be human, to feel things, to succeed, to fail, to leave things behind, to heal and to be curious is the greatest gift I have and will continue to give myself.

Shades of Grey

Life is not black and white.  There are always shades of grey.  I have had lots of experiences through my journey with depression, and other places too, that have hammered this point home.

I have friends that have cheated on their spouses.  This is an action that I always used to think was unforgivable.  I found a new way to think about it when it was good friends that were involved.  I saw their vulnerability, their remorse, their pain in the situation.  And I decided that I couldn't walk away when they most needed a friend.  I learned that being a friend and being supportive doesn't have to mean thinking their actions were ok, it means showing compassion, giving people a break, knowing that we all do things that are hurtful to ourselves and to others.

Being involved with the lesbian community has shown me some things as well.  What I have found there is people who want to be accepted for who they are.  In some pockets I have found people that are unable to do that for other people.  I sometimes tell the story of a friend of mine.  Her religious beliefs say that it is wrong to be gay.  For a bit after I came out this was a sore spot between us, but eventually we agreed to disagree.  I have had some pretty bad reactions to this story in that I should continue to try to change her mind because she is wrong and how can I accept  her like that?  I respect that this is what she believes and she respects that I don't believe that and we move on.  I truly believe that compassion and acceptance has to go both ways.

 I have had some friendships change for the worse because of my coming out and my journey with depression.  A different friend says I don't need those people in my life because if they can't deal with those things then they are not my true friends.  In some instances she is right.  But there is one person in particular where I am not convinced this is true.  I think there is a lot of hurt and misunderstanding between us and maybe if we can find a way to broach that we can change our relationship again.

I once heard someone say that her diagnoses of mental illness were her life sentence.  This person is an advocate for anti-stigma work and I admire that.  For me though, I don't like to look at depression as a life sentence.  Yes it appears to be chronic for me and something I will live with for the rest of my life, but is it a sentence?  We all have things in our lives that we have to deal with.  My friend has diabetes and has since he was 7.  Would people characterize this as a life sentence?  Maybe.  I view depression as part of my life, part of who I am and part of how I live.  It's not the most fun part to be sure.

Taking care of myself has taken on a whole new meaning also.  I used to think I was great at taking care of myself because I could work and earn enough money to pay for all the things I needed.  I didn't need anyone's help with anything. This is certainly one way to take care of oneself.  I wasn't taking care of myself in a number of other ways though.  I wasn't paying any attention to my mental health.  I wasn't paying that much attention to my physical health.  I let myself stay in unhealthy situations way too long because I didn't know how to get out of them.  I let physical pain go on for a long, long time before doing anything about it.  I never took sick days from work, even when I should have, and the odd time I did I felt extremely guilty.  Now, I am much better at really taking care of myself.  Finding a balance among all the things in my life; work, alone time, physical activity, friends, family.  I take sick days more often than not as mental health days.  I get a flu shot (because when I don't I catch every virus going around).  I pay attention to how I feel and take action on it.  I work really hard at living according to what I think is important, and not what other people think is important.  I ask for help sometimes, although this is something I am working on.

Side Effects of Depression

For the last 15 months I have been going to see a physiotherapist twice a week or so.  It started with a sore knee, then a stress fracture in my foot.  At first the treatment for the foot wasn't working, so we started looking for the cause.  Turns out my hip and back are out and I have inflammation on my SI joint (the spot where the spine and pelvis come together).  That was causing me to walk funny and hurting my knee and caused the broken one in my foot.

This is all a side effect of depression.  When I was really struggling with depression, and even for a long time after my diagnosis I ignored a number of signs of the injuries I am currently working on healing.  The 2.5 years before the diagnosis I was hiking 2-3 times a week for 5-10 hours at a time.  I eventually had to stop because my foot was so sore I could barely walk.  The nerve pain down my leg has been there for a number of years, etc etc.

In the depths of depression, I wasn't able to manage anything other than surviving every day, or hour or minute.  For the first 3 years of my recovery, it took up SO much of my energy and that along with things like my job and family took up everything I had. And so my physical health suffered, a lot.

So now, I am working on the exercises the physio(s) give me and healing my back etc... so I can be healthy mentally and physically.

5 Years

5 years ago today I took my first anti-depressant. That day I went to my doctor and asked him to help me. He gave me the medication and put me off work on sick leave for a month. That days was brutal. I was in no shape to be making big decisions like taking meds, frankly I was in no shape to be asking for help either.  Somewhere inside I knew that I needed to though.

The weeks, more like months, leading up to that day were awful. I was descending further into the black hole daily. I was trying a lot of things to make it better but nothing worked. And I was certainly at a point where I was no longer able to hide that there was something wrong. Depression is awful. When the idea of taking my own life started to be appealing (not the first time in my life) I knew something had to change. I went to the psychologist I was seeing at the time in a desparate state.

She did something that was awful at the time and so helpful. She looked at me straight and said, " you have depression and you should see your doctor about medication because it is obvious that just therapy isn't working". Hard to hear and harder to act on. I did it though.

That black hole is a place that I never want to return to, and that I live in fear of. The memory of it is what drives me to continue to see a therapist, to see my doctor 4 times a year to make sure the meds are still working, to continue to find ways to live better with seems to be a chronic condition, and to talk about my experiences.  All of these things help me, and I hope that by talking it will help others.

The last 5 years have been a pretty wild ride. Much of it has been really hard. Dealing with some of the causes is an ongoing and tough process. Living near the top of or out of the black hole, depending on the day, makes it all worth it. In this place there is joy, there is happiness, there is sadness, there is grief and all sorts of other emotions. The biggest thing there are here are love and light. Two things that are essential for me to feel alive and the 2 things that I was deprived of in the dark hole.

And so the journey continues....

Stress, or the lack therefore

I was talking to someone at work the other day.  She is at a fairly high level in the organization, and currently she is working on a special project.  She said that sometimes she feels guilty because her job is so much less stressful than a number of other people who are at the same level.  Then she said that she guessed the same could be said for me and my job (as I am one level lower than she is, and and working on a special project).

It got me thinking about where the assumption comes that we feel we are overpaid if our jobs are not stressful?  I think this is a difficult notion, especially in relation to mental health.  Then, I got to thinking about my job and if my colleague is correct?  I've concluded that in my case she is not.  There are really three types of circumstances that cause me a lot of stress, unreasonable time pressure, unclear expectations, and interpersonal interactions that trigger PTSD for me.  Currently, none of those circumstances are present.  Should they be for me to be paid at the level I am?  I don't think so.  For the work I am doing currently, being well thought through and accurate is more important than getting it done in a hurry, and the expectations of what I am supposed to be doing are clear.  As for the PTSD, well I never quite know when that will flare, but that is less about the work environment and more about me anyhow.

I have been in my current job for just over a year now.  When my doctor took my blood pressure 2 weeks ago, it was lower than it has been in a long time.  And the lack of feeling a lot of stress at work has made me more productive, not less.  I make a lot fewer errors, and the quality of the work I produce is certainly better than it is when I feel a lot of stress.  All the things the experts say are playing out in my world.

And, as an added bonus, I feel like I have energy to deal with more of the things in my life that cause the PTSD.  This is not a fun process, and it requires a lot of emotional energy.  In the end, it does make me better able to deal with the situations that can trigger it.

I wonder if there is anything I can do about the automatic assumption that so many people make that work has to be stressful all the time?

Self-harm and speaking about it

A colleague said something to me a couple of months ago. I brushed it off then as nothing, but it really made me think. There were a few of us in the kitchen, and one lady was giving me a hard time about being a klutz. Another one was kinder saying she was familiar with a number of injuries since I started at my current workplace.

Another woman was there and said for awhile she thought it was self-harm, only she knew it wasn't because there were witnesses to the accidents that caused the injuries. I laughed it off with everyone at the time.

However, it wasn't as innocent as accidents, at least not for probably the first 3 years I worked at this place. I wasn't actively harming myself, but I wasn't doing anything to stay out of the way of harm when it came my way. I also was so deep in the hole of depression that I didn't care if I got hurt, and I was having such a hard time believing that I had any value that I was careless with my safety.

In my experience these thoughts left unchecked lead to fantasies of injury, then lead to the thought of taking me own life being appealing. The accidents and associated thoughts were a precursor that time as well. (The thought of taking me life has been there a number of times for me).  Thankfully this time the end result was me saying to the psychologist I was seeing that something needed to change and that I couldn't live like that anymore. Then the journey I have been on for the last 5 years began.

And so dear colleague, friends and readers, I ask you to trust your intuition about things. My colleague was right, although my way of harming myself was much more subtle. Talk to people about mental health, mental illness, self-harm, suicide prevention etc...

These days injuries are accidents. I play dodgeball which comes with its risks. And well accidents do happen. I care enough about myself now to be more careful, and to pay more attention.

Saying It

I am having a hard time, and have been for about 3 months now.  There, I said it, out loud for other people to know.  That's a big step based on how things have been going lately. 

I can feel the darkness around me, hanging over my head, surrounding me.  And I'm scared.  Scared that I won't be able to find a way through it.  Scared of going to that dark dark place I have been before.  Scared of the darkness.

Someone once said to me that when things are bad, they don't get better until they get different.  So, here I am trying something different.  Hoping that by letting others in they will bring some light with them.

Lucky

Recently a friend who also lives with depression thanked me for being braver than she is because I talk about it. This came in the context of her having to take a few days off to adjust to some new meds, and not feeling like she can tell her boss why she is taking the time off.

There are times when I feel brave in talking about living with mental illness, there are times when I feel lucky because I have been in circumstances where I was pretty sure sure it would be ok, and there are times when I am pretty sure how I present things helps in making it ok.

I have told 2 bosses about my challenges. Both have been really good about it. The first one I knew pretty well and I was pretty sure it would be ok. I then also got her to help me work part time and she was really good about it. In fact her only reaction when I asked was that she wasn't sure how to make it happen so she would have to get back to me on that.

The second boss I didn't know at all, so telling her was perhaps risky. The thing is I hate feeling like I have to make up illnesses when I need a day off for mental health reasons. I hate having to make up fake doctors when I am off to a counselling session. So, I told her. 

The thing is, I don't really care what people think about this part of me. And maybe that is what makes it alright. I have accepted depression as part of my life. I, most of the time, don't buy into the stigma. I know, most of the time, that this is a chronic illness like any other and once in awhile I need to do something to keep it well managed. Coming from this angle made telling my boss not so scary because telling her was in the name of advocating for my needs, not apologizing for my absences.

So, am I brave? Am I lucky? Am I advocating for myself and in doing so caring for myself? All of the above I would say.

Pathways

It's funny how my brain works sometimes.  There is someone at work who I talk to once in awhile.  I find that when I do have interactions with her I am always drawn in by her way of being, by the way she talks about things, by the interaction in general.  Then afterward, and pretty much every time, I find myself having a hard time.

The way this person sees the world is so different from the way I do, and that is probably where the attraction and the hard time come from.  I like to get to know people who see the world differently, to understand their viewpoints and perspectives. This is the attraction piece.

The hard time piece comes from the way she does see the world.  She so often sees the world as the glass half empty.  So often what she says is a worry about something that might happen.  And this is where the hard time comes for me.  After a conversation with her yesterday I came home and found myself fretting about all of the scenarios she had brought up (all of which I see as unlikely to ever happen), and wondering what on earth I would do if they happened. 

I recognize this behaviour in me, it was so ingrained when I was in the thick of depression.  It is also not how I interact with the world anymore.  But, with this person I find myself going back there, every time.  Funny how one person can open up all those pathways for me again and I can go back to being the way I was.  Thankfully, I usually notice that I feel off fairly quickly and can talk myself out of it.  I can remember that her way of being is hers and I can choose not to be that way anymore.

The  challenge  for me, I think is to figure how to manage this in the future.  I will undoubtedly be in a position to talk to this person again.  How do I avoid the attraction so that I can keep the conversations shorter and to the point I need to discuss with her?  How do I remember to let her have her stuff and not worry about it?  Things to think about.