Signs

Today was the Pride parade where I live.  That combined with a conversation I had with a friend from my high school days last week has me thinking a lot about being gay.  When my friend and I got talking about it she told me she knew, or at least the thought has occurred to her.  She said I didn't seem interested in boys like everyone else.  She also said when I got really involved in church it seemed like I was really hoping that it would "take".  These are similar things to what I can see in hindsight.  Interesting that she saw them in the moment.

I am still often amazed at my own powers of deception.  It seems I wasn't able to deceive those around me that knew me well, but I was certainly able to deceive myself.  In all those years, more than one person asked me if I was gay and I said no.  I remember every time having crazy anxiety when they would ask the question.  I also remember faking thinking boys were interesting when I was a teenager. But, I thought that was normal.  I thought everyone was faking it, just to fit in.

When I started going to church and getting really involved, it didn't feel fake, at least not in the moment.  I truly thought I was there because I believed in God and Jesus and the whole Christian message.  There were times when I wondered what was wrong with me, but they were few and far between.

Don't get me wrong, the thought occurred to me several times also, but I managed to brush it off, to convince myself it wasn't true.  But, every time I had a boyfriend I remember feeling a sense of relief, that the world wouldn't question me anymore.

And so, I deceived myself. When I look back, what seemed normal in the moment, seems so not normal to me now.

My goal all along this journey with depression has been to live authentically and honestly with myself.  Coming to terms with my sexuality was a big step in that process.  Learning to be honest with myself was an even bigger step.

And so, I will live the rest of my life knowing that I like women and not men.  This might be a harder path as far as far as fitting in in some circles in society.  But, it is an easier path than lying to myself and feeling like there is something wrong with me everyday.

The Elusive Sweet Spot

Lately I have been in a funk. I feel like there is very little in my life that gives me energy or passion, makes me feel alive.

I read an article a bit ago that was talking about challenge and skill level. It said that when you get a challenge that gets you right to the edge of your ability, that is the sweet spot. That place where the challenge takes up all of your concentration and skill, but is still in the realm of your ability to do it. I've also heard people say that it is at the edges of your ability that growth happens.

When I first had that diagnosis of depression, I was terrified. I really felt like the challenge was way beyond my ability to handle it. In the beginning it really was. Everything was so overwhelming and so I was exhausted. Of late, it feels like my ability has surpassed the challenge.

From the perspective of recovery, of learning to live with depression, this is really good place to be. It does leave me with capacity for challenge. Between the years when the depression was so bad and then the years of learning to live with it, it has been a long time since I have been in a place to look for challenge.

The truth be told I don't know anymore what it is I need to do to find that passion or aliveness. And so the funk.

Change

There is something in my life that needs to change. Something that is really dragging on my soul and happiness. I've been thinking a lot lately about this.

The challenge for me is whether or not to do the safe thing and make the change that way or take a risk and a big leap of faith. In my life I have generally done the safe thing and actually lived to question that decision a few times. But then, the risky thing is just that, risky.

I feel a bit like there is a tug-of-war going on inside me. The part of me that values security is making one argument, while the side of me that values happiness is making the other one. Anyone have any thoughts to share?

Trauma

I have been doing a lot of reading about trauma of late as it is time to address mine. I am a survivor of workplace bullying. I haven't said those words out loud very much out of fear. Fear of the reaction I might get. Fear of what people will think of me. Fear of believing that somehow saying the words will make me damaged goods and not likeable or employable. But, they are my truth. And the experience was traumatic and I am still dealing with the aftermath.

I haven't been in that workplace for a few years now. The truth is I am finally feeling strong enough to face things. It's interesting that the whole reason I started getting help once I left there is because of what happened there. And yet I have spent a long time now dealing with so many other things. I can see now though how much I needed to be at a certain point to be able to deal with the trauma.

I've been thinking also of how mental health challenges are still really rather taboo. So many people have encouraged me to keep this trauma quiet, for so many reasons. I appreciate the concern, I really do. But, keeping quiet and not acknowledging my own truth makes me feel like somehow I was to blame, or I should feel ashamed or guilty. The thing is, it did happen. And I am not to blame. If there are people who think this makes me damaged or unemployable, then that is their loss. In order for me to live and get back so much of what I lost, I need to start being ok with my life. All of it.

Things that make me happy, that maybe shouldn't

I went to the doctor today to renew my prescription for my anti-depressant.  Normally my doctor gives me a little over 3 months worth and then I go back to see him to do it all over again.  There was a replacement doctor there today and she gave me 6 months worth of a prescription.  Oh joy, oh bliss.  One less trip to the doctor's office.  Strange how the little things make you happy.

Relating

When I hear about a suicide it is hard not to relate. Especially when the person is reported to have had severe depression. This evenings social media sights are filled with news of Robin Williams death, apparently by suicide.

The thing is I do relate. I relate to the darkness and pain that makes irrational ideas seem rational. I relate to the hopelessness of that place where there doesn't seem to be any way out and you know you just can't stand it for another minute. I relate to the despair that leads to thinking of the only way you can see to end the pain.

Because, the thing is, I was one decision away from taking my own life. I was so stuck in a horrible place and I had no idea how to make it end. I didn't know where to turn, how to make things better. Thankfully in that horrible dark moment I remembered the people that love me and I knew I couldn't do that to them.

Things really can get better. That day was 6.5 years ago. It has taken time and a lot of hard work, but things really are very different now. There are so many great moments that I would have missed out on. So many amazing conversations, so much connecting with other people. And now when things get hard I do know where to turn, how to make things better.

And so, dear readers and friends, don't be alone. Call someone who loves you. Call someone who cares, and that includes me. I have learned that hope exists even when you can't see it for yourself. That is the time to let other people be strong for you and hold onto that hope.

Letting go

I was telling a friend recently about the person in my life who is frustrating me with their behaviour (see previous post). He said something that struck me. It was one of those moments that happen when you least expect it, one of those casual conversations that in the end mean a lot.  He sais his whole reaction to the situation would be to say that when this person is ready to act like an adult and talk about things that I would be ready to talk. Until then screw it, I am carrying on with my life.

I am grateful for this reaction. It really made me realize that I have been letting this person have a lot of my mental energy lately. In some ways that is ok as I am learning to navigate differently in the world. But I know I also have a tendency to get too focused on something amd can't seem to let it go. Likely this is part of the anxiety that for me comes with depression. Anyhow, my friend's words gave me the kick I needed to get out of the rut.

He's right. This isn't my thing to deal with right now and I have a life to lead. A life that, in the main, doesn't need to include this person. Really we only get one shot at life and I want to live mine.  Life really is too short to worry about the crap other people want us to take on.

So thank-you my friend.

Staying away

We've all had advice to stay away from people we don't like.  We've all had people tell us to weed out the negative people from our lives.  We've all had people tell us to only be around those people that make us feel good about ourselves.  For most parts of our lives this is good advice.  But what do you do when that is not an option?

What do you do when you can't get the toxic person out of your life?  How do you deal with someone you don't like, respect or trust?  What do you do when you are expected to work things out? How is that even possible?  How do you let the past bad behaviour go?  How do you believe it when they tell you they will be different, even when your own experience tells you otherwise?

This is my world right now.  It's so hard on me.  I'm angry because I feel thrown into this position and I feel like others are expecting me to solve something I didn't create and really isn't mine to solve.  Why is it my problem when the other person is the one acting badly?  Why should I keep making an effort when they haven't shown any sort of willingness to even meet me half way?  Why should I keep banging my head against the wall?  I have made an effort and I am getting the silent treatment back.  It seems unfair and unkind to me to keep trying when they will not try.  And it seems like everyone is so busy trying to stay neutral that no one will be on my side, even though I am the one getting bashed about for no good reason.

How do I handle this?  I don't know.  I know though that this kind of situation is really hard on my mental health.  It brings up all sorts of past trauma.  It makes it hard for me to focus on the good things in my life.  And so my friends and readers, please tell me you are on my side.  Tell me you still like me and love me.  Tell me that you believe me when I say I didn't do anything wrong and this other person is the one being terrible.  Because right now, I need to know there are people on my side, people who have my back.

Tolerance vs. Acceptance

I read a blog post today about tolerance vs. acceptance and it got me motivated to put into words something that has been in my head for a bit.  I was in Toronto a couple of weeks ago now and had an interesting experience (on top of having a great trip).  There is a neighbourhood there called Church-Wellesley.  As I understand it, it is otherwise known as the gay neighbourhood.  There is an LGBT community centre and evidence all around of rainbow flags and acceptance of gay people.

As a lesbian it was interesting to be in a place where it was so accepted.  There is no such neighbourhood in Calgary where I live.  I am sure this is partly due to the size of the city, but also partly culture.  In some ways I really enjoyed being in the gay neighbourhood in Toronto.  In  other ways it was strange to me.  My reaction wasn't what I expected.

I thought I would be happy to be in an area where I would be totally accepted for who I am.  And I was, but on the other hand I felt like I shouldn't need a few block area to tell me that who I am is acceptable.  This isn't a knock on Toronto, or the community there.  I know that for so many people being gay feels unsafe and it must be nice to have a place to go where it feels safe.  Maybe it is a result of figuring out my sexuality in my 30's.  Maybe it is coming to terms with my sexuality while coming to terms with depression.  I don't care as much about a lot of things that I used to, especially what other people think.  Not sure I have the answers, only a feeling, and one that surprises me.