After 3 days of stopping the flood recovery volunteering I am starting to find my way. Slowly. I am still dreaming of floods and mud and insulation and garbage. But, I can read the news again and remember there are other things going on in the world. I can enjoy the lovely weather we are having here. I no longer feel guilty about not helping.
At group this past week someone said something that, eventually, has sunk in. She said that it would be unrealistic to expect that everyone in Calgary is helping the flood recovery as we would be tripping over each other. (This has actually started to happen as a lot of the work is accomplished). I have done a fair bit of helping. It's not up to me to do it all. It's ok to let other people do it also.
My brain feels like it is healing. I needed to take care of my mental state. Still some distance to go, but it is not so overwhelming anymore. It is not so intense anymore.
I learned (or re-learned I think) a lesson out of all of this. Taking care of myself has to be my number one priority, always. This doesn't mean that I don't help people, or that I don't get involved in others lives. It means that I do it as I am able. It means being honest with myself about what I am able to do and remain healthy. It means remembering where my limits are and respecting that. I got pretty close to the crash line this time. I probably should have done more taking care of me sooner. However, I will say that at least I recognized what was happening and managed to do something about it.
Just doing something is a success for me. At one point in my life, I would have kept going, and going, and going and going. I would never have stopped to figure out what this was doing to me. But, I know where that leads eventually. So, I will celebrate the success and take the lessons forward.
Sunday, 30 June 2013
Saturday, 29 June 2013
cracking - just a little
I wrote this a couple of nights ago, but haven't had a chance to post it.
I am starting to crack. Ever since this flood started I have been going hard. I haven't taken the time to take care of me. Now I need to before I crack totally.
This pattern is familiar. When the depression was getting bad I kept busy. Just keep going so it can't find you. The problem with that theory is that is catches up to you eventually anyhow. It just happens.
So this time I am trying to stop earlier, stop before I actually crack.
I know that part of being me means feeling the energy and emotions of what is around me. There are a lot of good things about this. It totally enhances my experience of movies and books as I am emotionally in the story. It also means I can provide empathy to people in bad situations and celebrate with people in good situations.
The way I feel now is, however, the down side. It is easy to get overwhelmed with what is going on. I struggle to learn to be empathetic and also protect myself. I struggle to know how to build the wall that says your stuff is yours. I struggle to know which emotions are mine and which I am taking on. This is certainly one cause of depression for me. When things got so overwhelming before I shut down and didn't feel anything at all.
I haven't been taking care of me. And now I have to. Burning myself out doesn't help at all. I am taking some time off from volunteering. This comes with a sense of guilt, but inside I know I have done a lot. I also know that there is a lot more to be done and if I want I will be able to help again. I will continue to do my part as I am able. But I need to remember that as I am able is different than every other person out there. And that is ok.
I need to find my own emotions and leave those of a city in crisis outside me for a bit. Now there is a tonne of energy and emotion in this city. Destruction, loss, sadness, hope, help, gratitude and everything in between. I have been taking it all in.
I am starting to crack. Ever since this flood started I have been going hard. I haven't taken the time to take care of me. Now I need to before I crack totally.
This pattern is familiar. When the depression was getting bad I kept busy. Just keep going so it can't find you. The problem with that theory is that is catches up to you eventually anyhow. It just happens.
So this time I am trying to stop earlier, stop before I actually crack.
I know that part of being me means feeling the energy and emotions of what is around me. There are a lot of good things about this. It totally enhances my experience of movies and books as I am emotionally in the story. It also means I can provide empathy to people in bad situations and celebrate with people in good situations.
The way I feel now is, however, the down side. It is easy to get overwhelmed with what is going on. I struggle to learn to be empathetic and also protect myself. I struggle to know how to build the wall that says your stuff is yours. I struggle to know which emotions are mine and which I am taking on. This is certainly one cause of depression for me. When things got so overwhelming before I shut down and didn't feel anything at all.
I haven't been taking care of me. And now I have to. Burning myself out doesn't help at all. I am taking some time off from volunteering. This comes with a sense of guilt, but inside I know I have done a lot. I also know that there is a lot more to be done and if I want I will be able to help again. I will continue to do my part as I am able. But I need to remember that as I am able is different than every other person out there. And that is ok.
I need to find my own emotions and leave those of a city in crisis outside me for a bit. Now there is a tonne of energy and emotion in this city. Destruction, loss, sadness, hope, help, gratitude and everything in between. I have been taking it all in.
Saturday, 22 June 2013
Floods!!!!
Where to start? My city has been under a state of emergency for 3 days now due to MAJOR flooding. As I am discovering everyone needs to talk, debrief and tell their story, including me. So here goes.
Some flooding and high rivers at this time of year are normal, but this is the worst in anyone's memory. 8 years ago the floods were bad. This is 3 times worse. 75,000 people in 25 neighbourhoods were evacuated. Most of downtown is currently still without power as it is flooded. My parents ended up leaving their house for a day and a half because they didn't have power. They are home now, and while the river is very high behind their house, they don't seem to be at any flooding risk. Thankfully, my sister was easily able to accommodate them. The low-lying parts of my neighbourhood have also been evacuated. Some people are being allowed back tonight, but there is a part that is pretty much a part of the river now. It will be awhile before that gets better. Thankfully, I live at the top of the hill.
Thursday night was an anxious time for me. There were reports my whole neighbourhood was to evacuate, but I couldn't find anything official. Same goes for my parents. None of us knew whether to stay or go. And, as it all crises accurate information is hard to find. The City's website crashed, but it is fixed now.
Yesterday I went for a walk around my area and also got a look at the river from the top of a hill. It is unbelievable. One of our downtown parks is now part of the river. Neighbourhoods look like Venice, not the semi-arid climate we live in.
People, however, have been amazing. About 1,500 people had to take advantage of the emergency accommodation. Most others were/are housed with family and friends. Our mayor and emergency workers have been going non-stop. My brother-in-law works for the local power company and he has been pulling a lot of overtime also. Strangers have been offering their places to those evacuated. Any requests for help have been met and overwhelmed.
So, after all this, how am I doing? Good, bad and everything in between. I am grateful to be safe and that my place is fine. I am grateful that the same can be said for my family. I had a lot of anxiety Thursday for sure. Even yesterday I found the whole thing overwhelming. And my neighbourhood is so eerie. Most of the roads around us are closed, no buses are running, no trains are running. The energy is totally different. Yesterday I couldn't get enough of facebook and twitter, and yet I knew that the more I saw, the harder it was getting on me.
Today, I am getting used to the "new" situation. I am able to be calmer. I went to a movie with a friend (on my bike as we have been asked to keep roads clear for emergencies). I am finding my sense of humour again and not so overwhelmed, especially since the real tragedy going on is not mine. I know I take on a lot of emotion from other people and have been doing that for sure. But, I am also getting so much better at knowing when I am doing that and finding ways to only keep my own emotions. Still not perfect at it and I am sure I am carrying around the sorrow and anxiety of a city in crisis still. (The police helicopter just flew over my place, reminding me again that this is far from over).
It probably also helps that things are looking up, at least in some areas. I can remember that this situation is temporary. There is loss, there will be clean up to do. There will be assistance needing and none of us will forget this. But, we will move on. The thing is, it feels good to tell my story. Yes, there are people far worse off than I am, but as I has learned, comparisons don't help. I still feel anxiety, I still feel sorrow, I still feel sad, I still feel proud of the reaction of so many people, I still feel grateful for so many things - including that the evacuations have achieved their intended purpose of keeping people safe.
I feel really, a bit all over the map. But, this is a crisis situation and I have no doubt that it is normal to feel how I feel.
If you haven't had a chance to share your story, I am happy to listen, or post in the comments section, or whatever you need.
Some flooding and high rivers at this time of year are normal, but this is the worst in anyone's memory. 8 years ago the floods were bad. This is 3 times worse. 75,000 people in 25 neighbourhoods were evacuated. Most of downtown is currently still without power as it is flooded. My parents ended up leaving their house for a day and a half because they didn't have power. They are home now, and while the river is very high behind their house, they don't seem to be at any flooding risk. Thankfully, my sister was easily able to accommodate them. The low-lying parts of my neighbourhood have also been evacuated. Some people are being allowed back tonight, but there is a part that is pretty much a part of the river now. It will be awhile before that gets better. Thankfully, I live at the top of the hill.
Thursday night was an anxious time for me. There were reports my whole neighbourhood was to evacuate, but I couldn't find anything official. Same goes for my parents. None of us knew whether to stay or go. And, as it all crises accurate information is hard to find. The City's website crashed, but it is fixed now.
Yesterday I went for a walk around my area and also got a look at the river from the top of a hill. It is unbelievable. One of our downtown parks is now part of the river. Neighbourhoods look like Venice, not the semi-arid climate we live in.
People, however, have been amazing. About 1,500 people had to take advantage of the emergency accommodation. Most others were/are housed with family and friends. Our mayor and emergency workers have been going non-stop. My brother-in-law works for the local power company and he has been pulling a lot of overtime also. Strangers have been offering their places to those evacuated. Any requests for help have been met and overwhelmed.
So, after all this, how am I doing? Good, bad and everything in between. I am grateful to be safe and that my place is fine. I am grateful that the same can be said for my family. I had a lot of anxiety Thursday for sure. Even yesterday I found the whole thing overwhelming. And my neighbourhood is so eerie. Most of the roads around us are closed, no buses are running, no trains are running. The energy is totally different. Yesterday I couldn't get enough of facebook and twitter, and yet I knew that the more I saw, the harder it was getting on me.
Today, I am getting used to the "new" situation. I am able to be calmer. I went to a movie with a friend (on my bike as we have been asked to keep roads clear for emergencies). I am finding my sense of humour again and not so overwhelmed, especially since the real tragedy going on is not mine. I know I take on a lot of emotion from other people and have been doing that for sure. But, I am also getting so much better at knowing when I am doing that and finding ways to only keep my own emotions. Still not perfect at it and I am sure I am carrying around the sorrow and anxiety of a city in crisis still. (The police helicopter just flew over my place, reminding me again that this is far from over).
It probably also helps that things are looking up, at least in some areas. I can remember that this situation is temporary. There is loss, there will be clean up to do. There will be assistance needing and none of us will forget this. But, we will move on. The thing is, it feels good to tell my story. Yes, there are people far worse off than I am, but as I has learned, comparisons don't help. I still feel anxiety, I still feel sorrow, I still feel sad, I still feel proud of the reaction of so many people, I still feel grateful for so many things - including that the evacuations have achieved their intended purpose of keeping people safe.
I feel really, a bit all over the map. But, this is a crisis situation and I have no doubt that it is normal to feel how I feel.
If you haven't had a chance to share your story, I am happy to listen, or post in the comments section, or whatever you need.
Tuesday, 18 June 2013
A Funk
When I first started thinking of this post, the word funk struck me. Then I started thinking of funky, and then the song "Funky Town" got stuck in my head. This is the way my brain works sometimes. It also shows me that I am not totally out of a sense of humour.
I've been in a funk of late. For awhile it was pretty low key and I didn't really see it. But, the last few days have been pretty tough, and I can see now that this has been coming for a bit. I feel tired, and down and really just like hiding. Which, I've been doing a lot of. I've been keeping up with commitments that I have to keep, but I haven't been doing much else. I've been sitting on my couch reading mostly. Now for a lot of people, this wouldn't be hiding, but for me it is.
Reading is not a bad thing in and of itself, but I don't actually do a lot of it. I get enough reading at work and it is nice to do other things. Lately, I've been reading a whole book in a day and then searching for another just as fast as I can. It's a great way to hide. It's a great way to justify not doing anything else. But, when I look at it, I have been using it as a way to ignore the funk. Amazing how many ways I can find to avoid the hard stuff.
The thing is, I know where this pattern leads me. To a worse place than a funk. To a place where a dark cloud is all around me and I can't see any light coming through. I'm not there yet, as can be seen by the first paragraph. I still find some things funny. I still can enjoy some things. But, underneath it all is a sense that things are not good. That things are sliding.
I am not sure why. I am not sure what is going on. But I know, I have to stop ignoring it. Stop pretending it is not there. Stop finding ways to justify doing things that are bad for me.
I know I haven't been great at taking care of myself. Exercise has been slipping, eating right has been slipping, talking to people in general and about what is going on has been slipping. All the things that I know are good for me. I'm working at changing this. I've gone 2 days now without caffeine, which is a start. I know that too much of it contributes to be not sleeping well and not feeling well. Yesterday I cooked a real dinner. Hopefully getting back on track with some of this will help.
But, ultimately, I need to look at my emotions. What is going on there? That is the hard part. Often I discover something that is tough to handle, tough to deal with, tough to get through. I know on some level it is worth the effort, but right now the effort seems like too much.
I've been in a funk of late. For awhile it was pretty low key and I didn't really see it. But, the last few days have been pretty tough, and I can see now that this has been coming for a bit. I feel tired, and down and really just like hiding. Which, I've been doing a lot of. I've been keeping up with commitments that I have to keep, but I haven't been doing much else. I've been sitting on my couch reading mostly. Now for a lot of people, this wouldn't be hiding, but for me it is.
Reading is not a bad thing in and of itself, but I don't actually do a lot of it. I get enough reading at work and it is nice to do other things. Lately, I've been reading a whole book in a day and then searching for another just as fast as I can. It's a great way to hide. It's a great way to justify not doing anything else. But, when I look at it, I have been using it as a way to ignore the funk. Amazing how many ways I can find to avoid the hard stuff.
The thing is, I know where this pattern leads me. To a worse place than a funk. To a place where a dark cloud is all around me and I can't see any light coming through. I'm not there yet, as can be seen by the first paragraph. I still find some things funny. I still can enjoy some things. But, underneath it all is a sense that things are not good. That things are sliding.
I am not sure why. I am not sure what is going on. But I know, I have to stop ignoring it. Stop pretending it is not there. Stop finding ways to justify doing things that are bad for me.
I know I haven't been great at taking care of myself. Exercise has been slipping, eating right has been slipping, talking to people in general and about what is going on has been slipping. All the things that I know are good for me. I'm working at changing this. I've gone 2 days now without caffeine, which is a start. I know that too much of it contributes to be not sleeping well and not feeling well. Yesterday I cooked a real dinner. Hopefully getting back on track with some of this will help.
But, ultimately, I need to look at my emotions. What is going on there? That is the hard part. Often I discover something that is tough to handle, tough to deal with, tough to get through. I know on some level it is worth the effort, but right now the effort seems like too much.
Sunday, 2 June 2013
Ode to a Bully
You will not win
You will not get the best of me
You can take your threats and shove them
No matter what you do
I will stand firm
I am right on this one
You are wrong
No one deserves to be treated like you treated me this week
No one has the right to treat others that way
What do you think it accomplishes?
Do you think I am more likely to give you what you want?
Hah! Fuck that.
I was trying to help you
Now I will do the bare minimum that I have to
I felt sympathy for you
Now I feel pity
Pity that you feel the need to make me feel small so you can feel big
Pity that this is the only way you can feel powerful
I feel sympathy for the people around you
If I could I would tell you to Fuck off
I would tell you what an asshole you are
I would tell you that your behaviour reminds me of a toddler
You don't get your way so you throw a tantrum
You yell, you threaten, you lie
You twist things around for your own purpose
You don't listen and then you complain that you didn't get what you need
Instead of waiting for the answer, you yell, you scream
You are underhanded and horrible
What do you think this will do?
Who do you think you are?
As my friend said, a pox on you
I truly believe that what goes around comes around
Have fun when it gets back around to you
You are an asshole
You do not deserve respect from me, and you will no longer get it
I will be polite because I have to
But that is all
You will not win
You will not get the best of me
You can take your threats and shove them
No matter what you do
I will stand firm
I am right on this one
You are wrong
No one deserves to be treated like you treated me this week
No one has the right to treat others that way
What do you think it accomplishes?
Do you think I am more likely to give you what you want?
Hah! Fuck that.
I was trying to help you
Now I will do the bare minimum that I have to
I felt sympathy for you
Now I feel pity
Pity that you feel the need to make me feel small so you can feel big
Pity that this is the only way you can feel powerful
I feel sympathy for the people around you
If I could I would tell you to Fuck off
I would tell you what an asshole you are
I would tell you that your behaviour reminds me of a toddler
You don't get your way so you throw a tantrum
You yell, you threaten, you lie
You twist things around for your own purpose
You don't listen and then you complain that you didn't get what you need
Instead of waiting for the answer, you yell, you scream
You are underhanded and horrible
What do you think this will do?
Who do you think you are?
As my friend said, a pox on you
I truly believe that what goes around comes around
Have fun when it gets back around to you
You are an asshole
You do not deserve respect from me, and you will no longer get it
I will be polite because I have to
But that is all
You will not win
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