I've been thinking about the first week of June one year ago, and how it seems so long ago, and also just like yesterday. Last year I was in Toronto for a holiday in early June. And, I was miserable. I was in the middle of a major depressive episode. On the surface, I did fun things while I was away, and underneath I didn't enjoy any of it.
Shortly before going I had been thinking of ending my own life. I'd also been to the doctor, who upped the dosage on my meds. She gave me a depression test. 5 and under is a healthy score. I scored 20. In the end, I went away on vacation and didn't go back to work for over 2 months. And then, gradually upping my hours over the next 4 months.
In so many ways it seems like only yesterday that I was off work on medical leave, that I was sleeping, and sleeping and sleeping... and a bit of knitting, a bit of cycling, and then some more sleeping. Thank goodness for one of my friends who is a teacher. Once the school year was over, she got me out cycling with her, so at least I was doing something. It was a tough time in my life. It's been about 5 months now that things seem to be better.
In other ways, it seems so long ago. I feel like a totally different person, again. Being in place of recovery really is amazing, and I am thankful for it. It amazes me that one year can make such a huge difference in how I feel about myself, and how I see the world.
Wednesday 7 June 2017
Monday 22 May 2017
Outward Change
My friend told me this weekend I am like a completely different person. Actually, she has told me this before (also recently). My doctor said a similar thing to me this past week.It's interesting to me to know how people perceive me, and the difference between when I am struggling with depression and when I am well.
What does my friend see? Energy is the word she used. I can see how this is true. I feel it. Energy to care about life. Energy to stop by and see my friend (after she broke her leg). Energy to live instead of exist.
It is nice that those around me see a change. Honestly though, even if they didn't, I know it is there. I have worked so hard to get to this place, it is certainly hard-earned. And I am proud of that. For not giving up even when it seemed like there was an endless string of things to deal with. Not giving up when it seemed that things were hopeless. I just kept trying. And now, I am going to reap the rewards of that and live, really live.
What does my friend see? Energy is the word she used. I can see how this is true. I feel it. Energy to care about life. Energy to stop by and see my friend (after she broke her leg). Energy to live instead of exist.
It is nice that those around me see a change. Honestly though, even if they didn't, I know it is there. I have worked so hard to get to this place, it is certainly hard-earned. And I am proud of that. For not giving up even when it seemed like there was an endless string of things to deal with. Not giving up when it seemed that things were hopeless. I just kept trying. And now, I am going to reap the rewards of that and live, really live.
Friday 12 May 2017
About Me
After sharing my story a few times at work now, I am noticing a few trends. First, it is awesome to be a part of something that is making things better when it comes to stigma. Secondly, by starting the conversation, I am allowing other people to talk. Third, by being the person who opens up first, I am now seen as a person other people can confide it.
It's the third trend I want to write about here. I remember when Clara Hughes did her Big Ride a few years ago. She said after the first few stops she has to stop being the star of the presentation and rely more on the hosts because it was all just too much for her. Being nearer the end, I was disappointed, and also glad she was finding ways to take care.
I understand even better now what she was referring to. I am always glad to be able to listen to other people, and glad they feel like they have a place to talk. It's hard on me though. I am a Highly Sensitive Person, which means I feel other peoples' emotions with them. When talking about their hard stuff, I feel it all with them. Also, often, they are emotions and challenges I can relate to, as I have been there.
Often, these conversations, along with the talk in the first place, take me back to the hard places I am been. And, in a lot of ways, I re-live the feelings I had then. Fear, desperation, anxiety, hopelessness. These are difficult emotions for me to process, even now.
Sharing my story in this way is a new adventure for me and I am still trying to work it all out. I am glad to be doing it, and the difficult parts of it won't deter me. I do need to make sure I find a way to take care of me.
One way is to go see my counsellor. It is the one place I can go where it is all about me. I don't have to worry about what she is thinking, or letting her have much air space. Yesterday this is exactly what I needed.
Moving forward, I will find my way. Not sure what the path looks like yet though.
It's the third trend I want to write about here. I remember when Clara Hughes did her Big Ride a few years ago. She said after the first few stops she has to stop being the star of the presentation and rely more on the hosts because it was all just too much for her. Being nearer the end, I was disappointed, and also glad she was finding ways to take care.
I understand even better now what she was referring to. I am always glad to be able to listen to other people, and glad they feel like they have a place to talk. It's hard on me though. I am a Highly Sensitive Person, which means I feel other peoples' emotions with them. When talking about their hard stuff, I feel it all with them. Also, often, they are emotions and challenges I can relate to, as I have been there.
Often, these conversations, along with the talk in the first place, take me back to the hard places I am been. And, in a lot of ways, I re-live the feelings I had then. Fear, desperation, anxiety, hopelessness. These are difficult emotions for me to process, even now.
Sharing my story in this way is a new adventure for me and I am still trying to work it all out. I am glad to be doing it, and the difficult parts of it won't deter me. I do need to make sure I find a way to take care of me.
One way is to go see my counsellor. It is the one place I can go where it is all about me. I don't have to worry about what she is thinking, or letting her have much air space. Yesterday this is exactly what I needed.
Moving forward, I will find my way. Not sure what the path looks like yet though.
Friday 5 May 2017
Mental Health Week 2017
It is Mental Health Week here in Canada this week. I have done two big things. Firstly, I joined a blogging challenge. I have said I will write one post a week for the month of May. Since it has been nearly a year since the last post, this might be a challenge.
The other thing I did was to put on a lunch and learn at work this week. I recently joined an organization, through work, of people who will share their lived experience with mental illness. I did just this on Thursday this week. It is the 4th time I have done this, although the first time where I opened it up to anyone in the organization who wanted to come. I had about 30 people altogether, including my boss, his boss, her boss and his boss. Basically my direct line to the Chief Operating Officer (who was there). Amazing.
All of the times I have given my talk, the same thing has happened and it is so cool. When I am done talking, I through it open to the audience for questions and comments... and every time people have talked. Some about their own experience, some asking questions to try to find ways to help, either in their personal or professional lives. I basically talk for 1/2 hour and then listen for 1/2 hour.
Someone who heard me talk the first time said she hoped I knew what I am was doing with these talks. Her message is that I am giving people permission to talk by being vulnerable myself in the first place. It's true. And always the "me too" from one or more people in the audience, either publicly or just to me. Either way, they are talking about it. After I give my talk, I get lots of bravos, which is nice. The main reward for me though is watching other people get out of their silence. I have started saying that if you want to get a good feel for the mental health of an organization, ask the people who are most vocal about it. I know an awful lot of information about this. (Of course I would never tell other peoples' stories).
Stigma certainly still exists in places. I am so thankful to be able to do something concrete to break it down in the places I have influence.
The other thing I did was to put on a lunch and learn at work this week. I recently joined an organization, through work, of people who will share their lived experience with mental illness. I did just this on Thursday this week. It is the 4th time I have done this, although the first time where I opened it up to anyone in the organization who wanted to come. I had about 30 people altogether, including my boss, his boss, her boss and his boss. Basically my direct line to the Chief Operating Officer (who was there). Amazing.
All of the times I have given my talk, the same thing has happened and it is so cool. When I am done talking, I through it open to the audience for questions and comments... and every time people have talked. Some about their own experience, some asking questions to try to find ways to help, either in their personal or professional lives. I basically talk for 1/2 hour and then listen for 1/2 hour.
Someone who heard me talk the first time said she hoped I knew what I am was doing with these talks. Her message is that I am giving people permission to talk by being vulnerable myself in the first place. It's true. And always the "me too" from one or more people in the audience, either publicly or just to me. Either way, they are talking about it. After I give my talk, I get lots of bravos, which is nice. The main reward for me though is watching other people get out of their silence. I have started saying that if you want to get a good feel for the mental health of an organization, ask the people who are most vocal about it. I know an awful lot of information about this. (Of course I would never tell other peoples' stories).
Stigma certainly still exists in places. I am so thankful to be able to do something concrete to break it down in the places I have influence.
Tuesday 24 May 2016
Talk more and more and more
I've been reading posts on an online site about mental health in the workplace. The posts started by someone talking about wanting to move to 4 days a week from 5 for their mental health. I did this nearly 4 years ago. The advice on the site is all about talking to human rights or mental health association etc... first to find out your rights before broaching it with an employer. There is also someone who wrote about taking some sick time and then being fired as soon as she got back to work.
All of this makes me sad, really sad. I'm glad my experience was so different, my employer was very supportive and I really haven't had a lot of trouble at all. I know that this is not the same in so many places and that makes me sad. Honestly, I am a WAY better employee at 4 days a week. And, in my view, it's a win-win. I get paid 80% of my full-time salary and I have about a 90% workload. It's a trade-off I accept to have the day off. The thing that is so wrong about this is that if it were a physical disability, the advice would probably be very different. Sigh.
It says to me we need to continue talking and talking and talking and talking. If people are having these kinds of experiences then there is so much more education to do out there. Mental illness is not something to be afraid of. And people with mental illnesses can be productive and valuable to organizations. Sometimes we need a little accommodation, but then how is that different from people with physical disabilities, or people with kids who need to vary their work hours to manage that, or people who have spouses or siblings or parents they care for and need to vary their work hours? We all have lives outside work that need to be dealt with, it really makes be sad and angry that mental illness is not just one thing on the list, but seems to be different somehow.
All of this makes me sad, really sad. I'm glad my experience was so different, my employer was very supportive and I really haven't had a lot of trouble at all. I know that this is not the same in so many places and that makes me sad. Honestly, I am a WAY better employee at 4 days a week. And, in my view, it's a win-win. I get paid 80% of my full-time salary and I have about a 90% workload. It's a trade-off I accept to have the day off. The thing that is so wrong about this is that if it were a physical disability, the advice would probably be very different. Sigh.
It says to me we need to continue talking and talking and talking and talking. If people are having these kinds of experiences then there is so much more education to do out there. Mental illness is not something to be afraid of. And people with mental illnesses can be productive and valuable to organizations. Sometimes we need a little accommodation, but then how is that different from people with physical disabilities, or people with kids who need to vary their work hours to manage that, or people who have spouses or siblings or parents they care for and need to vary their work hours? We all have lives outside work that need to be dealt with, it really makes be sad and angry that mental illness is not just one thing on the list, but seems to be different somehow.
Saturday 21 May 2016
Finding that Place
I've been struggling in the last 3 weeks or so, to the point where a few people have asked me if I am ok. Lots of reason for it. I decided today that I needed to do something different to regain my balance. So, I read this blog from start to finish. All 5+ years of it. And, I am amazed.
Amazed at my own strength, perseverance and determination. Amazed at where I started and where I am now in comparison to that. Amazed at the themes that are recurring, like the current challenges of taking in the stress and negativity around me, and the things that haven't changed.
And one of the biggest things that has changed. So much of what challenged me in the beginning was my own belief that I didn't merit or deserve any of the good things in life. I didn't believe that I had any right to stand up for what I needed and that I just had to accept the thing that went on around me, even when they were harmful to me. This is honestly not the thing I struggle with the most any more. I no longer feel invisible, I no longer feel like I have no place in the world. I have found my place and I take it up.
I also have been able to find the place where I am generally aware of how I feel and what is going on with me. For so long I had no idea of what I was feeling and what I needed in life.
The things I continue to be challenged by are feeling others emotions and energy too much and letting myself get to the place where I won't ask for help when I need it. I still tend to hide when things aren't good, when a conversation with someone probably would be better.
I am reminded that doing nice things for me is good, and that taking care of my mental health is what matters the most. I am reminded of the people that are in my corner, that love me and who I love.
I am reminded of my own courage, resilience, bravery and strength. Depression really did put me through the wringer, and I really have come out the other side. Unscathed? No. A different stronger person? Yes. I am not sure I have regained my balance, I think Tuesday at work will be telling. What I have regained is some peace.
.
Amazed at my own strength, perseverance and determination. Amazed at where I started and where I am now in comparison to that. Amazed at the themes that are recurring, like the current challenges of taking in the stress and negativity around me, and the things that haven't changed.
And one of the biggest things that has changed. So much of what challenged me in the beginning was my own belief that I didn't merit or deserve any of the good things in life. I didn't believe that I had any right to stand up for what I needed and that I just had to accept the thing that went on around me, even when they were harmful to me. This is honestly not the thing I struggle with the most any more. I no longer feel invisible, I no longer feel like I have no place in the world. I have found my place and I take it up.
I also have been able to find the place where I am generally aware of how I feel and what is going on with me. For so long I had no idea of what I was feeling and what I needed in life.
The things I continue to be challenged by are feeling others emotions and energy too much and letting myself get to the place where I won't ask for help when I need it. I still tend to hide when things aren't good, when a conversation with someone probably would be better.
I am reminded that doing nice things for me is good, and that taking care of my mental health is what matters the most. I am reminded of the people that are in my corner, that love me and who I love.
I am reminded of my own courage, resilience, bravery and strength. Depression really did put me through the wringer, and I really have come out the other side. Unscathed? No. A different stronger person? Yes. I am not sure I have regained my balance, I think Tuesday at work will be telling. What I have regained is some peace.
.
Friday 6 May 2016
Mental Health Week 2016
It's Mental Health Week this week. Before the week started I had plans to do some research, to be active, to share my story, to participate. Then, a major natural disaster and human tragedy happened in my province. A major wildfire that caused the evacuation of Fort McMurray. And I had to rethink what my week would be.
I am a sensitive person/empath. This means that I take in a lot of the emotions of those around me. I watched a whole city evacuated, watched videos of people literally driving through the fire to get to safety, heard stories of people seeing their house catch fire in the rear view mirror as they drove away, heard of people having to flee on foot because the roads were not big enough to get everyone out in the time they had. And I felt the fear, the stress, the anxiety, the sadness.
These are not my emotions to feel, this is not my tragedy, and yet empathy and compassion run deep with me. And so, I needed to find ways to take care of myself, to do what I need to for my own mental health. It meant at some point taking a break from the news and social media, it meant talking to people about my emotions, it meant taking time to figure out, once again which emotions are mine and which are other peoples. And it meant knowing that that was more important right now than all the things I would have liked to do for Mental Health Week.
Working for a end to stigma will still be there when I am able to work to that end again. And by the sheer fact that I am writing this blog post, I am getting there again.
And so, for Mental Health Week I ask you, what are you doing today to take care of your mental health?
I am a sensitive person/empath. This means that I take in a lot of the emotions of those around me. I watched a whole city evacuated, watched videos of people literally driving through the fire to get to safety, heard stories of people seeing their house catch fire in the rear view mirror as they drove away, heard of people having to flee on foot because the roads were not big enough to get everyone out in the time they had. And I felt the fear, the stress, the anxiety, the sadness.
These are not my emotions to feel, this is not my tragedy, and yet empathy and compassion run deep with me. And so, I needed to find ways to take care of myself, to do what I need to for my own mental health. It meant at some point taking a break from the news and social media, it meant talking to people about my emotions, it meant taking time to figure out, once again which emotions are mine and which are other peoples. And it meant knowing that that was more important right now than all the things I would have liked to do for Mental Health Week.
Working for a end to stigma will still be there when I am able to work to that end again. And by the sheer fact that I am writing this blog post, I am getting there again.
And so, for Mental Health Week I ask you, what are you doing today to take care of your mental health?
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